Naked.

Genesis

"And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." So ends Chapter 2 of Genesis. Chapter 3 narrates the Fall and its aftermath: "The eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons." Presumably, they made themselves aprons to cover their nakedness, because they were now ashamed.

Reading Genesis today, I realized that before sin came into place we lived long lives.  And Adam and Eve were not ashamed or filled with any vanity.  They did not know of it, they didn't need clothes or anything to cover what god had made of them.

Wouldn't that be awesome.  I instantly imagined a world of naked people.  All walking around, no judgement, no understanding of judgement.  Just free.  Not a care in the world.  Clothes?  What clothes!  Who needed them.  Why cover what God gave you.  I imagined a world where life was celebrated and you lived your life by God's word.  

Suddenly my eyes opened and I looked at myself.  Yup.  There is reality.  Thanks to a sin.  And by today's account, eating a piece of fruit from a forbidden tree seems like a cake walk in the sin territory   Leave it to the woman to listen to the serpent and convince Adam it was a good idea.  So ironic, isn't it.  And suddenly, their eyes were open too.  No more perfect world, and all of sudden there they stood, naked.  Now they needed some clothes, they could see all that the serpent wanted.  They opened their minds to the other side.  As Darth Vader would put, they now could see the dark side.  

How did this all translate to my current life and what did this all mean to mean.  Well that was easy.  It's like I was meant to read that today.

After spending a week killing myself at the gym, and still not being thankful for the life and body I do have.  I sat there one day after working out crying.  I have always done a pretty good job of taking care of myself but lately I have been down.  So instead of celebrating my recent jaunt at the gym I sat there criticizing myself.  Vanity.  With all the world around us screaming perfection, its no wonder that normal every day woman are so hard on themselves.

There is no way vanity can not be there.  We are raising our young daughters to believe that is what is important.   The hair, the clothes, the make up and last the body.

Gone are the days of modesty.  Gone are the days of a wandering imagination.  You have a child and instantly think about how to lose the weight.  How could you not?  It's front page news in celebrity life.

There are lotions, pills, creams and surgeries that all can help you achieve the glory of perfection.  And guess what?  You can tell everyone about it.  With "selfies" parading everyone's feeds, now everyone can know just how vain you really are.   Take a pic of yourself with that hair,body, make up and clothes..... paint the picture of perfection.  

No one embraces themselves as Adam and Eve did before that sin was made.  That is our penance. 

But, how can we ensure that we walk closer to God? How can we ensure our daughters and their daughters stop thinking the Khardashian's way of life is reality?

How can we begin to heal?  Become accepting and cherish ourselves again?  That was the question I had today.

I realized that I needed to be thankful for my body.  For all that it has endured.  It has brought two beautiful souls into this world, provided food, shelter and love to myself and my family. How come we don't thank our bodies? How come we punish it and continue to expect more?  So instead of being upset with my weight, I am choosing to show my body the respect it deserves after everything I have put it thru and make better choices for it.  I don't want it to have to work so hard because I hope to be here for a very long time.

Vanity wont be my motivation anymore, life will. 

Just a closer walk with thee.....

Just a closer walk with thee....

CCE is the Catholics Sunday School.  I have very fond memories of my CCE teachers.  So the thought of my son going to his first CCE class made my heart smile.  Such great memories with the same small class.  I received communion and confirmation with them.  We graduated together and charged forward vowing to take that faith with us our senior year.

I didn't take any of that with me to college.  I didn't go to church for years.  It wasn't until I had my first child that my Catholic roots started to present themselves to me again.  I suddenly felt the need to go back to where it all began.  I felt that calling and knew that my children should experience the love of my catholic religion.

I realized I've lost my faith.  I  know that I am Catholic but that is it.  I can say I am Catholic but don't do much with it.  Yesterday, we went out with some friends and we started talking about religion.  My friend is catholic and her children go to a Baptist church since her husband is non denominational.  They chose the church because they were invited and her husband really liked that the church had a social aspect.  They still go to mass and she is still raising her children catholic but said that the fellowship the Baptist church has made her move easier.   Her children are thriving, reading the bible on their own, singing in the church band and love their youth groups.  It was interesting because her and I are very similar and love our faith but just wish it brought the youth closer to god in newer, more conventional ways.  They have invited us several times to visit this church, but I haven't stepped into another church other than a catholic one since I was 13.  The thought is scary to me actually.  When I go to a Catholic church I feel at home but it made me think......

What do we do with our youth?  Why don't they feel that fellowship?  Why don't our children feel that fellowship?  As I was asking that question, it got answered.  I knew the answer.  I knew that I could be the start of that but I didn't know God well enough anymore.  If I wanted my sons to grow into godly men, I knew I had to ensure that I understood what and how I could help change this.  Last Sunday, I was praying during mass and the priest spoke of heaven, hell and purgatory.  I sat there and started to doubt.  Was there hell?  Was there a heaven?  The priest said  no one feared hell anymore and with that society was changing.  He said to believe that all people are forgiven, that all could walk closer to God, was foolish.  For a minute I did doubt, I did think that couldn't be.  I did not fear hell but I did hope that the afterlife eased the pain of loss and help me reunite with those lost before me.  I certainly believe in Heaven.

Then I thought of those lost and those I knew should be in hell.  I couldn't think that the man I thought of, who thought he was holier than God could be in heaven.  The thought of him in hell or purgatory made me sad.  But all this reflection was all part of God's plan, I just knew it.  He wanted me to seek the answers.  When I find the answers, when I have the knowledge I can lead like no other.  I do know this of myself, and so does he.... ..

So this week, I said that I would start this journey and find my way.  Where I land is up to God.  I will read every Sunday until Easter Sunday.  I hope that it will help me to speak to my son, my family, god and myself more clearly.  And then I'll know how to walk just a little closer to thee.......

50 Shades of Bummer.

                                               Fifty Shades of Bummer.

“You see, Ana men think that anything that comes out of a woman's mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea that we'd like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget. Men prefer action.”

― E.L. James

tags: fifty-shades-of-grey

Who would have thought that one steamy book would lead to the discontemptment of so many women? I thought this book was about and for pleasure. But as the summer comes to an end I can’t help going through all the conversation I have had about these books this summer.

This book has led to a lot of great conversation.   Believe it or not, it isn’t' about whips and chains.  It’s about the feeling you get when you are "wanted", "desired", unsatisfied and left with that constant need for more.

As all lonely housewives sit and read Fifty Shades of Grey this summer, the effects are endless.  It has led to a baby boom, unhappy wives, and unrealistic expectations of sex all throughout the world.  It has raised questions in every person’s mind of what sex should be like.  It has become the gateway drug for unhealthy sex lives and has led many women "wanting" more from their marriages, lives and husbands.

"The books have really opened up sexual dialogue for the people that may not have ever thought about exploring outside of their comfort zones," says
Gaia Morrissette, a sexual healer, sex coach and sex educator.

Gone are the days of pioneer women.  But why?  I am sure I have all modern women up in arms right now.  But I am raising the question?  This whole book is about him wanting her to be a submissive at first.  She was demur but throughout their journey together she finds herself, her sexuality and her voice, but not until she feels the effects of being submissive. Then she realizes what she wants... she wants to "play" but she wants hearts and flowers as well.

 Isn't that all women?  Cat and mouse?  The chase?  Etc.  All women must play the game to catch the prey.  When I was younger, I learned later in life that it would be easy to get what I wanted.  Most men just wanted the chase.  But once that caught the mouse, well that was a different story.

The gateway of questions. Every woman read this book and started asking herself.....

Why can't I have that first kiss again?

How does it feel to be wanted that badly?

What does it feel like again to feel that pull to your other half?

And then... the cloud of reality appears with screaming babies, tired husbands and headaches.

There should be books about the reality, but then again that wouldn't be such a great book would it?

So many wives are out there wondering these questions? My sister and I spoke about this recently. She is a marriage and family therapist. We spoke a lot about the fact that she believes that this book has lead women to not look at their relationships realistically. The fact is that marriage takes work, it takes communication and like a garden... you have to pluck out those weeds. When you don't do that it gets overcome with them. But so many marriages end because you ignore all of that and hope it will get worked out.

 

So naturally, in biblical times there was a definite distinction between man and wife.  The wife took care of the house while he took care of the rest.  In this book, Mr. Grey wants to take care of her in all aspects.  How sexy is that?  He wants to take care of her and ensure all her needs are met.  So again, there is a role played by both. 

Do does he want to control her or take care of her? 

 

In modern day, the question comes into play with marriage.  I don't believe it fair to expect any man to be Mr. Grey.  After all, he is not a real person.  He is something that a writer made up. She has a great imagination and I’m sure her motivation comes from many aspects of her life.  As a writer myself, that is the beauty of writing.  It’s not real.  You can make your wildest dreams feel real. 

 

 

“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.”
― E.L. James

 

Now, I am not a feminist.  I am a control freak.  I want to steer the ship, that’s why when I dance with my husband I step on his toes.  These books consumed me for a while.  But, then I realized that I could use this to my advantage. 

I wrote down some key things about these books that got me thinking.

-If you want it, say it.

-Don’t be afraid of the unknown.
-Don’t get in a rut, make it fun.
-Communicate.
-Trust.

I have had numerous conversations with my friends about these books. Instead of the summer being fifty shades of wonderful, most have been bummed out instead.

I thought these stats would be beneficial for this blog...

Although we don't recommend comparing your sex life to what sex statistics say others consider to be normal, it can be interesting to see how often other couples have intercourse.

Woman's Day -- Sex By the Numbers (2011):

In December 2011, Sarah Jio compiled interesting statistics about sex and experts' opinions about the stats. Here are a few of her findings.

• 84% of women have sex to get their guy to do more around the house.
• 12% of married people sleep alone.
• The average person has sex 103 times per year.
• 48% of women have faked an orgasm.

Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey -- Sexual Satisfaction (2011) Highlights:

In 2011, the Durex survey asked about the frequency of sex versus people's satisfaction levels. When looking at both scores, Japan was among the lowest, but the U.S. and U.K. were lower than many other countries. There is also a "range of activities chart" to view.

• "Satisfaction with what we do 'in the bedroom' is mediocre ... we're not as happy as we could be or want to be."
• "Almost 2/3 of us don't feel we have sex often enough."
• "Half believe our sex lives lack excitement & variety."

Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey -- Sexual Satisfaction (2010) Highlights:

• 44% "are fully satisfied with their sex lives."
• 48% "usually orgasm. Globally, twice as many men (64%) as women regularly have orgasms."
• "Those over 65 are still having sex more than once a week."
• "Mutual respect plays a vital role in a satisfying sex life. Eighty two per cent of us who are sexually satisfied say they feel respected by our partner during sex. Thirty nine per cent are looking for more love and romance, 36% would like more quality time alone with their partner, 31% would like more fun and better communication and intimacy with their partner and 29% a higher sex drive. Thirty seven per cent want to feel less stressed out and tired."

Marriage and Divorce

(Data are for the U.S.)

• Number of marriages: 2,077,000
• Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
• Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)

So my conclusions on the 50 Shades of Bummer.....

 With the constant increase in distractions, we get less and less focused on what drives a marriage.  Communication.  When I was getting ready to get married, my fiancé and I went to a marriage encounter retreat.  It was all about communication.  But with all of life’s diversions, sometimes one or both spouses forget what to talk about.  We forget that we have to be open and brutally honest with our spouse.  We can't sugar coat it.  So in other words, if you want hearts and flowers he isn't going to know that UNLESS you tell him.

So I will leave you with a quote...  Take what you want from it but bottom line, a marriage dies just like the grass does when it is not watered.  No one else to blame.  But I thank Mr. and Mrs. Grey for helping shed some light on the matter.

"The grass is greener….when it’s watered.

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=R4em3LKQCAQ

Chance.

I always tell people the story of how I broke out of being afraid of rejection and started facing it head on.

I had just graduated high school and was getting ready to gear up to go to college.  I had realized that the whole year of my senior year I had sat in front of a boy that I probably had loved since middle school but just didn't know it.  Not many people know this story, so here goes.

I was given many rules as a girl.  My mom was scared to death I would run off and make poor choices.  But I was  good kid.  I was very active in school and kept myself busy.  My best friend's family had asked me to go on a vacation with them for the summer and when I did I met Trey.  That boy and I stayed together for four years.  But before I had met him I actually had another boyfriend.  My mom had found out and the rule was no boys until I was 15.  He and I broke up, but he said he would wait for me over the summer.

But that summer I met the other.  Of course, I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, this guy was my friend until it was "allowed."  But my first day of school, James came up to me and asked me how my summer was.  I told him it was great.  And he said he had heard just how great it was.  We kind of left it at that.  But he always kept an eye on me.  Always sat by me, always looked at me. But I was in another world.  I didn't even notice him until my senior year when he sat right behind me.  He had a girlfriend and I saw him as just a really funny guy.  But as the year started to draw to an end, I realized I might not ever see this guy again.   My dad had always been gone working, so I had had a boyfriend really, I think now, to fill that void.  So my senior year, I broke up with the Trey after four years together.  I knew he wasn't gonna be the person I would end up with.  But, until my senior year, I just hadn't realized how different him and I actually were.  He took it really hard, but it really had nothing to do with him or James. It had to do with me.  I knew I had to leave that town, and he just wasn't gonna be able to keep up with what I had planned for myself.

So that day I got the phone book, looked up the phone number and called James.  His mother answered and I could hear her yelling for him.  He asked who it was and she told him, I don't know, some girl.  I giggled.  And then he picked up and said, "Hello."  My heart dropped, but I was determined to tell him.  So I said," Hi James, its Andrea." He sounded stunned and before he could get a word out I let it all out.  "Listen, I know you have a girlfriend and I totally respect that.  But I wanted to call you today to tell you that if that ever changes, to please give me a call.  I like you and before I go off to college, I Just don't want you to forget about me."  There was silence.  I kept thinking, "oh crap did he hang up?"
Then he said, "hey can I call you back in a couple of minutes?" And of course i said sure as the defeat went thru my body.  I was like what the heck did I just do.

Now the reason why I am telling you this story isn't because I want you to think about the love story.  But the feeling you get that holds you back from taking a chance.  That day I woke up and told myself I would take that chance.  What did I have to lose?  I mean we all are afraid of rejection, it whats keep us at bay and never allows us to reach our potential.  In everything we do, that one thing hinders us.  I had spent at that time, my whole life letting that prevent me from enjoying life.  I just refused to do it anymore.  What really did I have to lose?

Ten minutes later I got a phone call. It was James. He said, " want to go out on Friday night?" and I said, "Umm, NO! Im sorry I don't do that.  I am no boyfriend stealer."  and he said laughing, "that's alright because I don't have one anymore." 

For the next year he and I had the best time together.  I learned so much from my relationship from him.  He set the standard really high for me and when it came time to remember what I deserved I always remember how he treated me.  Now I didn't end up with him, but that's the way my story is suppose to go.  But if I had not done that one thing, how good would this story actually be?  But more importantly, from that moment on, I was no longer afraid of rejection.  I could be afraid of failure, disappointment, etc.  but I knew right then, the world was at my fingertips.  I just had to keep reaching.

The next time it was time to take a chance, is when I met my husband.  That's what you have to do sometimes to get what you want.  Take a chance.  Luckily, my husband took a chance on me. And our story continues because of it. 

Noise, Noise, Noise

Noise is everywhere.  You really can't escape it.  But do me a favor.  Just stop for a minute.  One whole minute.  Turn off your phone, turn off the TV, allow absolutely no noise and now.... Just listen.  Close your eyes.  Just listen to it... Do you hear it? 

For each of us those sounds are usually muddled.  Most of us cannot even begin to hear anything because the voice in our head is so loud.  It's filled with the to do list of the day, regret, fear, anxiety, frustration, you name it.  We allow all the noise to completely fill the voids we create for ourselves.  You stop listening, you stop paying attention.

Its funny how things fall into your lap when you least expect them.  How new reatlionships, new people and new situations occur and we often say, "What a strange coincidence?"  When in actuality, it really is not a coincidence at all.  Its there to see if you are actually paying attention.

With the new year, people often form new year's resolutions.  This year I am not doing that.  Instead this year I am making myself an awareness promise.  People do all kinds of different things.  A friend of mine said thank you for a year.  So why not do something like this. 

With phones, laptops, tablets, TV, and all kinds of social media it is so easy to become disconnected. 

So this year I made a vow to myself to stop all the noise and take a moment each day and listen. 

In these short few weeks of doing this, something amazing has already begun to happen to me.  I am happier.  But I am not happy because I am just turning a phone off.  I have realized I have not been making eye contact enough and taking each moment in.  Sounds weird, huh.  Well as a mother, I have realized that I just don't stop and breath it all in.  Another year passes, and its a haze.  But these last two weeks I have done more with my children than I ever had. I have been more helpful to my husband and I have been more aware of myself. 
Eye contact has always been a great secret of mine.  I use to tell my girlfriends when I was single that I could pick any guy out at a bar and as long as I made eye contact with them, they would approach me.  They always laughed, never believed me until we put my theory to test.  Time after time, it worked.  He would walk right up to me.  Now, I know that eye contact to a guy means, green light.  But it was more than just that.  Eye contact means you are fully engaged in the conversation and committed to that very moment.  Your mind isn't floating around elsewhere.  You are completely engaged in the right here, right now.  So that in itself is attractive.  But most anytime you use eye contact, it can help any situation.  When you do it, the world around you slows down and you are so in tune with that moment that all the other noise around you and in your head is gone.  You are there, listening.  Then you take the moment in.  When people say they don't remember much its because you were not paying attention. ( or they don't want to remember it and thats a whole other blog entry)  Things that matter to us, things that we feel are so important usually are remembered.  But when I started wondering about what I was wearing when my son did this, or what I was doing when my husband did this, is when I really realized that I wouldn't be formulating memories to keep if I kept doing this.  I had to make a change. 

I came to a major realization that still has me reeling.  My husband and I were talking about money one night at dinner.  And where these conversations usually stop abruptly because we agree to disagree, he pushed me to think more and then it happened.  Something that I still can't stop thinking about. 

I have never been the kind of person that gets excited about "things."  If you get me a great gift, I might not show how great it really is.  I don't get excited about possibilities.  I don't get excited about the "what ifs."  I don't love "things".  Most people get excited about that purse because they just love Coach.  OR they just love that car and have to have it.  For me, that has never ever been the case.  Its very simple what I love.  It may sound cliche and most people would say well of course we love that too.  But honestly, there is one thing that I love, my family.  I was never that kid that wanted the fancy house, the fancy car.  All I could dream about and think about was getting married one day and having a family.  I knew I would need a job to support that but that was it.   You may wonder what my husband may of asked me that got me thinking so deeply.  Well he asked me about money in a way of earning.  Yes, working towards something so that you can earn something.  I didn't work until I was 17.  I started waiting tables at a local restaurant to earn money for college.  When I was little, if I wanted something it was never spoken about in terms of doing something to earn it.  I wasn't the girl that asked for much.  All I ever asked money for was school functions.  Now you have read my blog before, so you know that was even hard.  But really, school clothes shopping was no big deal.  Getting shoes, no big deal.  I wanted a cool car, but whatever I got, I got.   My brother was different.  He wanted the Nike's and the Nintendo.  So therefore he had to work.  What is so interesting about that, is he is very smart and responsible with his money.  I just never wanted anything bad enough to warrant that kind of discussion with my parents.  Until I wanted to go to college.  Then I started realizing that if that was gonna happen, I was on my own.

So in all of this self discovery, I started to realize that in order for me to continue to move my family out of our current financial situation I am gonna have to start to look for things that I would love my family to have.  As long as my family is provided for, I am happy.  But I don't want my children to not get excited about achieving things.  I want it to be a big deal. I want them to love something so much, they make it a goal to get it.  Material things don't matter to me, and I want them to have that quality as the background but I want them to know that the sky's the limit, if you reach for it.

 I don't reach for much.  Let me take that back.  I didn't use to reach for it.  But I have  realized that in order for me to do the things I want to do, I have to stop the noise, listen to my heart and love it. I shouldn't let all that noise get in the way anymore.  I have to allow myself to love things and acknowledge the past to do that.  I don't let go of things easily.  Most of all that noise has been kept in a very deep closet in my heart.  I haven't exposed it to myself until now.  I can honestly say I don't remember much of my life before the age of 17.  That should tell you how good I am at pushing it all away.  But I am starting to embrace it now. Bring it to the surface and work through it.  You can't be afraid of it.  And I won't anymore.  I will allow myself to feel joy about earning things and not let the fear of disppointment wage war on my self esteem.  I put together that vision board of all those things I will work for this year.  Each day it will be a reminder of of this promise to myself.

So as I take this journey, I want you all to think about some things.  How different would your life be, if you turned off the tv completely.  What would your conversations be like with your family?  My boys and I  played a game of operation, read several books and my husband and I enjoyed a long dinner after they went to bed and drank some wine.   Those things are priceless to me and why I know this year is already starting off on the right path.

Happy New You, everybody.

Coach Honesty

Purpose

It has been a while since I have blogged.  Partly because I have been so busy at work, but mainly I have not been as inspired to write as I normally am.  Yesterday, I was working with a young man and he and i had a two hour long conversation about purpose.  I realized this question probably lingers in so many peoples minds.  What is our purpose....?????


Why live a purpose driven life, with absolutely no purpose?

I have never understood lazy people.  When people tell me that can't do something, I always say actually you don't want to.  Because anytime someone really wants something, they get it.  They say a mother can rip a child from the grips of death because her desire to protect her offspring is so vital, that nothing can keep her from doing so.  That determination and WANT is what drives her to protect.  I imagine if we all had that determination to protect the life that was given us each day we might have a different motive for each day.

I recently had a very long conversation with a young man. He actually inspired my thoughts around this whole word, purpose.

This young man reminds me of so many people I know.  Often these young adults, walk through the twenties completely lost.  They have no idea what they want, but they feel entitled and they think the whole world is at their fingertips.  They also feel like hard work, is just not necessary.  You don't have to work you way up, or rather be told what to do.  They feel they should just be given the opportunities.  Now this may sound like assumptions but I have worked with these young adults for a very long time now.  Its always the same.  They seem so lost, feel like they need to find a hobby to fill their time.  They just cannot figure out what they should be doing with their lives.  But alot of the time the answer is right there in front of them.  They often will tell me that they just want the answer to unfold and not have to work so hard to find it.

He and I were talking about the fact that he graduated in July and still has not found a job.  He asked me, "Andrea, is this your dream job?" And I asked, " Is that what you are looking for right now?  Your dream job?"  And he said, "well yes, of course!  I just got a degree, shouldn't I be doing something that I always thought I should be doing right now?' I then told him my story about how I started off in school wanting something and ended up doing something completely different.  But then I started to think about that question alot. He is like so many of the kids that work for me.  NO real concept of the world or what to expect.  No real intentions, and no real ambitions.  They just are not realistic.  I believe in working hard, working your way up and earning the position but I grew up with two parents who did that.  I asked him,  "what is the purpose of your life right now?" He looked stunned.  "Purpose?" he asked.  "Yeah, what is your purpose?  What do you plan on leaving behind? What do you aspire to do with yourself?  Because when you can answer that question, then Ill answer the question about my dream job."  He got really quiet.  Which is not normal for him. He said, "That is pretty deep isn't it?"  I said, "Is it? Because this is your life we are talking about and I believe we are all placed here to make choices that lead to the path that was given to us, it is our purpose. Like right now, right here, this is my purpose.  I work with so many of you young adults, I can relate to the questions you might ask yourself everyday.  What am I doing?" He chuckled.  "Yeah, I just asked myself that question this morning."  I told him, " I think you need to start thinking about that question a little more right now, and a little less about the end result all the time. " He got very quiet and said, "WOW!"

I know so many people that drown out the noise, so they don't have to think about the fact that they get up every morning, go to work, go home, go out, or just go to bed.  They do this each and every day to drown out the noises in their heads telling them to step up to the plate and take a swing for the fences.  Why do you get up every morning?  But more importantly what I was trying to help him see, is that the work he wants to do is NOT his purpose, its just a result.  I wanted him to understand that unfortunately so many people think that your job is your purpose.  And your job could be feeding the hungry, helping the sick, and teaching others but once again, that is your job.  So ask yourself, "What is your purpose?" 

I remember having a conversation with a friend.  I had just turned 25 and was having a bit of a breakdown.  I felt so lost, felt like I kept doing and repeating each day.  I have no idea why I got up every morning, if all I was gonna do is work in a retail store.  I was making no significant impact on anyone, this world or my life.  I was about to get married and I think I just could not wrap my mind on what I was doing with my life.  My friend suggested some things at the time, like volunteering and getting more involved with the church.  I thought about all of those things but still was at a loss.   But then I had something interesting happen at work that night.  I had a kid who was extremely depressed ask me for help.  He was not taking his antidepressants and was really not well.  He said he needed to talk so we did.  I listened and realized how ill he really was.  Several of friends over the course of the next few days told me what he was doing and that they felt he could commit suicide if we didn't get him help.  He trusted me, all my kids did, so i did something, I called his mother.  I went into his file, and found his emergency contact.  I arranged an intervention.  His parents met me and we were able to get him into treatment that night.  That week was a crazy week for me, but then I realized that whatever I do each day can have a purpose, if I choose to be AWARE of them.

People always say there are certain things in life that change you.  Your wedding day, the birth of a child and the day you lose someone you love.  I can tell you that the day I gave birth to my very first son, I realized right then and there what my purpose was.  I realized I had taken life for granted, lived it selfishly and hadn't stopped to take in the moments that count as often as I should.  I realized my purpose right then and there.

My purpose is him.

Money

The number one reason why couples divorce, Money.


I grew up in a household where this was the constant war in our house. There were no other fights, Just money. When I was in fourth grade we lost everything. Now, that I am older I think about that day often. I remember it. I remember moving in a day, grabbing everything we had and leaving. We lived in a trailer house, now people don't think that people that lived in trailer houses have much but we did. We never wanted; my mother who had grown up with nothing was in heaven. She spent and spent and spent, because she had never been able to do that before. I had a room filled with toys. They literally covered the floor. My dad had worked in the oil field right when it hit big. He worked hard, that money was earned. The day he was laid off, it all was gone shortly afterwards. We lost our trailer house; we literally just left one day. I don't remember even really having time to pack. Now that I think about this, I realized this day has haunted me my entire life. I let money right then and there control me.
We lived in a two bedroom house on Fox Street. Our land lady made us get rid of our dog, Blue. The house was big, but it was old. If it were ever inspected, they surely would have said it couldn't be lived in. But the rent was cheap, $150 a month. My dad found a job, in Louisiana. So he would be living there and coming home when he could. Our lives were turned upside down in an instant. We were young, I know my siblings don't really remember this but I do. The house had this giant room that we ended up calling, the middle room. It wasn't livable. The ceiling was falling down and the floor had holes. So we just used it for storage and later in our lives for imagination. The laundry room was in the back. The floor had this huge hole. You had to step over it to get the laundry out. The house was on stilts. So after years living there when you stood in the living room and looked down towards the kitchen, you saw the floor slowly sinking.
From the time I was in fourth grade I shared a room with my brother and sister until I was 18. Since the house was built in the late 1800's the rooms were huge, back then, that was normal. Many shared a room. Our house didn't have central air and heat. It was painted with lead paint and it was everywhere. We had one bathroom and we often had leaks throughout the house. But this was home, I didn't realize that roaches were not the norm in a house until much later in life. It wasn't that we were not clean, we were. The house was just so old. I laugh now when I think about it, when people complain about things, about one restroom, or it being hot even with central air. One winter our water heater went out. So every morning, we would get up and fill up a huge pot of water to take a bath in. We didn't think twice about things like this. Because atlesat we had water. My mom always kept things in perspective for us. What we had was far better than what she had as a girl. My mother is an angel. She truly made us know no different. My mom always made it home, though. We had food, not much but we never wanted. We always had Christmas, my parents made sure of that. They just always found a way to make it count when they had to.
With my mom working and being a single parent now, it never dawned on me the struggle my parents actually went thru. But it was tough. I got anxiety every single time I went to the store. So many times we went and the check was declined and we left the bag of groceries that we really needed at the store. We didn't qualify for help though. My dad made to much money. But it didn't seem like it because he lived another life in Louisiana while we lived one without him. This time was tough for our family, but it was the majority of my entire life with my family as a child. It wasn't until I was 18 that my dad finally moved back in with us.
When I got to high school and started to need things, it never dawned on me to actually get a job. I should have. My brother did. I think now, that god had blessed me with just not caring about clothes and things. I spent my time being active in school and just never focused on the things that kids then and now wanted. My clothes were from a store called wieners and often didn't fit me. I didn't wear makeup; I just never cared about those things. What I did care about were big things, my prom dress, one day having a car, going on school trips. I never asked for anything from my parents, but when I did it was for those things. When I asked for those things, it was a punishment. I knew what would follow. Guilt, regret for asking and a lecture. A long, loud lecture. I learned very quickly that money causes problems. Big ones.
When I went off to college, no money was there for me. To even think about getting an education was completely left up to me. My mom and dad found some people in Temple to help me figure out what to do. It was a disaster. They helped me but all I qualified was a very small Stafford loan. My family had finally bought a new house, my senior year of high school. My dad moved back to the states and we had a new beginning. The only problem was he took out a loan on his 401k. It inflated the family income and I qualified for basically no help at all. I got enough my freshman year to cover my tuition and dorm. My parents paid for my car and insurance but everything else I had to figure out. This by now you all can realize I had NO CLUE about money. NONE. Not a thing about a budget, working, controlling expenses, nothing. I was clueless. I had gotten a summer job. I saved all that money, but before I even left for college it was all gone. I bought stuff I needed for college from it and before I knew it I was gone.
My freshman year I still managed to survive. Just barely. My roommate really saved me. I will never forget, all my college roommates got cards and care packages from their parents, I never even got a phone call. My dad worked at the campus I went to school at and every now and then he would call me to meet him for lunch. Those lunches he would give me $20, that $20 I saved. It was my emergency money. Back then $20 could go a long way. I could get gas all month. I was on the dorm council and we sold kits to the parents  for each student. The parent would buy them and we would deliver them to the student in the dorm with the note from the parent, nothing big. It was the first time to take finals in college, so the kit had fun survival things in them. Every one of my roommates in my suite got one, except me. My best friend felt so bad for me, she got me one. Now, this sounds so little, so trivial. But I really was alone. I didn't have the parents that called me, told me they were proud of my grades or even just called to check in on me. But I had always been self-motivated. I tried really hard to prove to myself I could do it. But eventually, you start to ask yourself why?


My grades started suffering but I managed to finish out that freshman year on academic probation. When I graduated from high school I will never forget what my dad told me. He said, "He didn't even think I would graduate let alone go to college." That was our relationship at the time. It's nothing like that now but back then the number one reason why I wanted to leave my house was because of him. I wanted to prove him wrong. I went home that first summer after college. I worked again for the summer, and then went back to school but that is when the bottom really fell out for me. I had no structure, no guidance, and never went to class. Sure enough, I missed the GPA I needed to stay in school by .5. I will never forget when all these things were happening my sophomore year in college. My parents knew nothing of what was going on in my life. They just never asked. They did assume. They assumed I partied all the time, they assumed a lot of bad things of course. But honestly, I failed that year because I just no longer believed I could do it. I had a new boyfriend who supported that idea unfortunately. So I started believing what they thought of me. One day my mom came in to make that payment at the beginning of school for me. She was so mad. So was my dad. They were mad at me for asking them for money for college. They made a scene in the admin office where you pay. I will never ever forget that day. It changed me. My roommate felt so bad for me. But that semester was never going to be a success. And it wasn't. I was kicked out.
A couple of wonderful friends took me in because I knew I couldn't go home and I had to think fast about what I was going to do. I had to find a job. That is when I joined the retail world at the age of 19. I never looked back. I learned that the only person I could rely on was myself. But it took me a long time to really believe in myself. TO know I could do it. Like I said I learned very quickly not to ask for help. My best friend was really the only person that helped me. Once she and I moved back into together, she was the one who told me I was smart, who told me that I could do this. She feed me when I had to pawn everything I owned to pay the rent. She was there when my parents picked up my car and dropped off another because they were so upset with me and the phone bill I had run up that summer I was home. When I was taught a lesson it was big. My brother could make huge mistakes but mine were always bigger. So they dropped off the car and I didn't see them for a while. I was grateful that the one thing they did give me was that car, it was my survival kit. I wouldn't have been able to work had I not had that car. I worked hard and eventually went back to school. For those of you that know me, the rest of that is history. God blessed me with those circumstances. They make me who I am, but the demons created by that anxiety, fear, doubt and failure continue to haunt me.
I decided to share this story today because my husband sent me an email today. It was about money. It made me very upset, like it always does. But I sat down today and started thinking, why is this so hard for me? Why can't I survive off the $200 every two weeks he puts into my account. Why do I need to eat out and get breakfast every morning? Why can't I just keep that money in my account for the essentials like gas, prescriptions and necessities? Then I realized…
When I see that $200 I feel like that 15 year old girl who asked for the money for her prom dress and got yelled out. I feel like that 19 year old kid who got humiliated by her mom for money for college. I just get so angry that all the work that I do leads to that amount for me. I see it and literally think, it's MY money. Mine and I can spend it however I want. So why can't I get breakfast every morning? But it ends up leaving no room for the important stuff. I know this, but I just dont stop doing it. Like I said today I realized I need to address this feeling. I don't think i really ever have.
I am sure I am not alone in this fight. Right now times are tough for everyone. Why do I feel like this? Why is it so hard? Lately I feel like I have had to make a lot of changes. Again, we moved back here to be closer to our friends. We had gotten to a place where I didn't have to have a budget. My husband is really smart. He got us 100% out of debt in two years. IT has been our saving grace since we have moved back. He was able to go back to school and watch the boys and I worked. I have worked really hard these last two years. I am very grateful for everything that has currently happened in my life. When my husband and I talk about money I never get mad at him, I get mad at myself. I get really upset with myself. The first thing I did when I read his email was get my cards and throw them in the trash. Now, my spending isn't out of control. But right now there is no room for extra. So I have to start addressing this. I think so many people just don't do this. When our family gets back on our feet there are so many things we want to get, and $7 happy meal just isn't one of them. So I know there is no way but up for us. But I want you all to know that this blog is about honesty. So I am going to be honest with myself. Maybe this will help you all to address this if you all struggle like I do with this.

1. Don't be lazy. Get up and eat breakfast at home.
2. Take your lunch to work every day. Suzie Orman recently stated the death of savings accounts is due to coffee. YUP. Coffee. Add up those coffees for entire month, and she says most americans spend over $200 a month on them. Do the math $200 x 12…….
3. Plan ahead. When you do, you won't' forget things.
4. Make a budget for yourself.
5. Don't make excuses.
6. ALLOW yourself to treat yourself. It's ok to get breakfast every now and then.
7. Change your circumstance.
8. When you do change your circumstance, print out this blog and burn it!
9. LET IT GO.
10. You are always able to conquer your fears, even your fears of money if you CHOOSE to believe that it can be different.

There you go readers. Good luck.