It has been a while since I have blogged. Partly because I have been so busy at work, but mainly I have not been as inspired to write as I normally am. Yesterday, I was working with a young man and he and i had a two hour long conversation about purpose. I realized this question probably lingers in so many peoples minds. What is our purpose....?????
Why live a purpose driven life, with absolutely no purpose?
I have never understood lazy people. When people tell me that can't do something, I always say actually you don't want to. Because anytime someone really wants something, they get it. They say a mother can rip a child from the grips of death because her desire to protect her offspring is so vital, that nothing can keep her from doing so. That determination and WANT is what drives her to protect. I imagine if we all had that determination to protect the life that was given us each day we might have a different motive for each day.
I recently had a very long conversation with a young man. He actually inspired my thoughts around this whole word, purpose.
This young man reminds me of so many people I know. Often these young adults, walk through the twenties completely lost. They have no idea what they want, but they feel entitled and they think the whole world is at their fingertips. They also feel like hard work, is just not necessary. You don't have to work you way up, or rather be told what to do. They feel they should just be given the opportunities. Now this may sound like assumptions but I have worked with these young adults for a very long time now. Its always the same. They seem so lost, feel like they need to find a hobby to fill their time. They just cannot figure out what they should be doing with their lives. But alot of the time the answer is right there in front of them. They often will tell me that they just want the answer to unfold and not have to work so hard to find it.
He and I were talking about the fact that he graduated in July and still has not found a job. He asked me, "Andrea, is this your dream job?" And I asked, " Is that what you are looking for right now? Your dream job?" And he said, "well yes, of course! I just got a degree, shouldn't I be doing something that I always thought I should be doing right now?' I then told him my story about how I started off in school wanting something and ended up doing something completely different. But then I started to think about that question alot. He is like so many of the kids that work for me. NO real concept of the world or what to expect. No real intentions, and no real ambitions. They just are not realistic. I believe in working hard, working your way up and earning the position but I grew up with two parents who did that. I asked him, "what is the purpose of your life right now?" He looked stunned. "Purpose?" he asked. "Yeah, what is your purpose? What do you plan on leaving behind? What do you aspire to do with yourself? Because when you can answer that question, then Ill answer the question about my dream job." He got really quiet. Which is not normal for him. He said, "That is pretty deep isn't it?" I said, "Is it? Because this is your life we are talking about and I believe we are all placed here to make choices that lead to the path that was given to us, it is our purpose. Like right now, right here, this is my purpose. I work with so many of you young adults, I can relate to the questions you might ask yourself everyday. What am I doing?" He chuckled. "Yeah, I just asked myself that question this morning." I told him, " I think you need to start thinking about that question a little more right now, and a little less about the end result all the time. " He got very quiet and said, "WOW!"
I know so many people that drown out the noise, so they don't have to think about the fact that they get up every morning, go to work, go home, go out, or just go to bed. They do this each and every day to drown out the noises in their heads telling them to step up to the plate and take a swing for the fences. Why do you get up every morning? But more importantly what I was trying to help him see, is that the work he wants to do is NOT his purpose, its just a result. I wanted him to understand that unfortunately so many people think that your job is your purpose. And your job could be feeding the hungry, helping the sick, and teaching others but once again, that is your job. So ask yourself, "What is your purpose?"
I remember having a conversation with a friend. I had just turned 25 and was having a bit of a breakdown. I felt so lost, felt like I kept doing and repeating each day. I have no idea why I got up every morning, if all I was gonna do is work in a retail store. I was making no significant impact on anyone, this world or my life. I was about to get married and I think I just could not wrap my mind on what I was doing with my life. My friend suggested some things at the time, like volunteering and getting more involved with the church. I thought about all of those things but still was at a loss. But then I had something interesting happen at work that night. I had a kid who was extremely depressed ask me for help. He was not taking his antidepressants and was really not well. He said he needed to talk so we did. I listened and realized how ill he really was. Several of friends over the course of the next few days told me what he was doing and that they felt he could commit suicide if we didn't get him help. He trusted me, all my kids did, so i did something, I called his mother. I went into his file, and found his emergency contact. I arranged an intervention. His parents met me and we were able to get him into treatment that night. That week was a crazy week for me, but then I realized that whatever I do each day can have a purpose, if I choose to be AWARE of them.
People always say there are certain things in life that change you. Your wedding day, the birth of a child and the day you lose someone you love. I can tell you that the day I gave birth to my very first son, I realized right then and there what my purpose was. I realized I had taken life for granted, lived it selfishly and hadn't stopped to take in the moments that count as often as I should. I realized my purpose right then and there.
My purpose is him.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Money
The number one reason why couples divorce, Money.
I grew up in a household where this was the constant war in our house. There were no other fights, Just money. When I was in fourth grade we lost everything. Now, that I am older I think about that day often. I remember it. I remember moving in a day, grabbing everything we had and leaving. We lived in a trailer house, now people don't think that people that lived in trailer houses have much but we did. We never wanted; my mother who had grown up with nothing was in heaven. She spent and spent and spent, because she had never been able to do that before. I had a room filled with toys. They literally covered the floor. My dad had worked in the oil field right when it hit big. He worked hard, that money was earned. The day he was laid off, it all was gone shortly afterwards. We lost our trailer house; we literally just left one day. I don't remember even really having time to pack. Now that I think about this, I realized this day has haunted me my entire life. I let money right then and there control me.
We lived in a two bedroom house on Fox Street. Our land lady made us get rid of our dog, Blue. The house was big, but it was old. If it were ever inspected, they surely would have said it couldn't be lived in. But the rent was cheap, $150 a month. My dad found a job, in Louisiana. So he would be living there and coming home when he could. Our lives were turned upside down in an instant. We were young, I know my siblings don't really remember this but I do. The house had this giant room that we ended up calling, the middle room. It wasn't livable. The ceiling was falling down and the floor had holes. So we just used it for storage and later in our lives for imagination. The laundry room was in the back. The floor had this huge hole. You had to step over it to get the laundry out. The house was on stilts. So after years living there when you stood in the living room and looked down towards the kitchen, you saw the floor slowly sinking.
From the time I was in fourth grade I shared a room with my brother and sister until I was 18. Since the house was built in the late 1800's the rooms were huge, back then, that was normal. Many shared a room. Our house didn't have central air and heat. It was painted with lead paint and it was everywhere. We had one bathroom and we often had leaks throughout the house. But this was home, I didn't realize that roaches were not the norm in a house until much later in life. It wasn't that we were not clean, we were. The house was just so old. I laugh now when I think about it, when people complain about things, about one restroom, or it being hot even with central air. One winter our water heater went out. So every morning, we would get up and fill up a huge pot of water to take a bath in. We didn't think twice about things like this. Because atlesat we had water. My mom always kept things in perspective for us. What we had was far better than what she had as a girl. My mother is an angel. She truly made us know no different. My mom always made it home, though. We had food, not much but we never wanted. We always had Christmas, my parents made sure of that. They just always found a way to make it count when they had to.
With my mom working and being a single parent now, it never dawned on me the struggle my parents actually went thru. But it was tough. I got anxiety every single time I went to the store. So many times we went and the check was declined and we left the bag of groceries that we really needed at the store. We didn't qualify for help though. My dad made to much money. But it didn't seem like it because he lived another life in Louisiana while we lived one without him. This time was tough for our family, but it was the majority of my entire life with my family as a child. It wasn't until I was 18 that my dad finally moved back in with us.
When I got to high school and started to need things, it never dawned on me to actually get a job. I should have. My brother did. I think now, that god had blessed me with just not caring about clothes and things. I spent my time being active in school and just never focused on the things that kids then and now wanted. My clothes were from a store called wieners and often didn't fit me. I didn't wear makeup; I just never cared about those things. What I did care about were big things, my prom dress, one day having a car, going on school trips. I never asked for anything from my parents, but when I did it was for those things. When I asked for those things, it was a punishment. I knew what would follow. Guilt, regret for asking and a lecture. A long, loud lecture. I learned very quickly that money causes problems. Big ones.
When I went off to college, no money was there for me. To even think about getting an education was completely left up to me. My mom and dad found some people in Temple to help me figure out what to do. It was a disaster. They helped me but all I qualified was a very small Stafford loan. My family had finally bought a new house, my senior year of high school. My dad moved back to the states and we had a new beginning. The only problem was he took out a loan on his 401k. It inflated the family income and I qualified for basically no help at all. I got enough my freshman year to cover my tuition and dorm. My parents paid for my car and insurance but everything else I had to figure out. This by now you all can realize I had NO CLUE about money. NONE. Not a thing about a budget, working, controlling expenses, nothing. I was clueless. I had gotten a summer job. I saved all that money, but before I even left for college it was all gone. I bought stuff I needed for college from it and before I knew it I was gone.
My freshman year I still managed to survive. Just barely. My roommate really saved me. I will never forget, all my college roommates got cards and care packages from their parents, I never even got a phone call. My dad worked at the campus I went to school at and every now and then he would call me to meet him for lunch. Those lunches he would give me $20, that $20 I saved. It was my emergency money. Back then $20 could go a long way. I could get gas all month. I was on the dorm council and we sold kits to the parents for each student. The parent would buy them and we would deliver them to the student in the dorm with the note from the parent, nothing big. It was the first time to take finals in college, so the kit had fun survival things in them. Every one of my roommates in my suite got one, except me. My best friend felt so bad for me, she got me one. Now, this sounds so little, so trivial. But I really was alone. I didn't have the parents that called me, told me they were proud of my grades or even just called to check in on me. But I had always been self-motivated. I tried really hard to prove to myself I could do it. But eventually, you start to ask yourself why?
My grades started suffering but I managed to finish out that freshman year on academic probation. When I graduated from high school I will never forget what my dad told me. He said, "He didn't even think I would graduate let alone go to college." That was our relationship at the time. It's nothing like that now but back then the number one reason why I wanted to leave my house was because of him. I wanted to prove him wrong. I went home that first summer after college. I worked again for the summer, and then went back to school but that is when the bottom really fell out for me. I had no structure, no guidance, and never went to class. Sure enough, I missed the GPA I needed to stay in school by .5. I will never forget when all these things were happening my sophomore year in college. My parents knew nothing of what was going on in my life. They just never asked. They did assume. They assumed I partied all the time, they assumed a lot of bad things of course. But honestly, I failed that year because I just no longer believed I could do it. I had a new boyfriend who supported that idea unfortunately. So I started believing what they thought of me. One day my mom came in to make that payment at the beginning of school for me. She was so mad. So was my dad. They were mad at me for asking them for money for college. They made a scene in the admin office where you pay. I will never ever forget that day. It changed me. My roommate felt so bad for me. But that semester was never going to be a success. And it wasn't. I was kicked out.
A couple of wonderful friends took me in because I knew I couldn't go home and I had to think fast about what I was going to do. I had to find a job. That is when I joined the retail world at the age of 19. I never looked back. I learned that the only person I could rely on was myself. But it took me a long time to really believe in myself. TO know I could do it. Like I said I learned very quickly not to ask for help. My best friend was really the only person that helped me. Once she and I moved back into together, she was the one who told me I was smart, who told me that I could do this. She feed me when I had to pawn everything I owned to pay the rent. She was there when my parents picked up my car and dropped off another because they were so upset with me and the phone bill I had run up that summer I was home. When I was taught a lesson it was big. My brother could make huge mistakes but mine were always bigger. So they dropped off the car and I didn't see them for a while. I was grateful that the one thing they did give me was that car, it was my survival kit. I wouldn't have been able to work had I not had that car. I worked hard and eventually went back to school. For those of you that know me, the rest of that is history. God blessed me with those circumstances. They make me who I am, but the demons created by that anxiety, fear, doubt and failure continue to haunt me.
I decided to share this story today because my husband sent me an email today. It was about money. It made me very upset, like it always does. But I sat down today and started thinking, why is this so hard for me? Why can't I survive off the $200 every two weeks he puts into my account. Why do I need to eat out and get breakfast every morning? Why can't I just keep that money in my account for the essentials like gas, prescriptions and necessities? Then I realized…
When I see that $200 I feel like that 15 year old girl who asked for the money for her prom dress and got yelled out. I feel like that 19 year old kid who got humiliated by her mom for money for college. I just get so angry that all the work that I do leads to that amount for me. I see it and literally think, it's MY money. Mine and I can spend it however I want. So why can't I get breakfast every morning? But it ends up leaving no room for the important stuff. I know this, but I just dont stop doing it. Like I said today I realized I need to address this feeling. I don't think i really ever have.
I am sure I am not alone in this fight. Right now times are tough for everyone. Why do I feel like this? Why is it so hard? Lately I feel like I have had to make a lot of changes. Again, we moved back here to be closer to our friends. We had gotten to a place where I didn't have to have a budget. My husband is really smart. He got us 100% out of debt in two years. IT has been our saving grace since we have moved back. He was able to go back to school and watch the boys and I worked. I have worked really hard these last two years. I am very grateful for everything that has currently happened in my life. When my husband and I talk about money I never get mad at him, I get mad at myself. I get really upset with myself. The first thing I did when I read his email was get my cards and throw them in the trash. Now, my spending isn't out of control. But right now there is no room for extra. So I have to start addressing this. I think so many people just don't do this. When our family gets back on our feet there are so many things we want to get, and $7 happy meal just isn't one of them. So I know there is no way but up for us. But I want you all to know that this blog is about honesty. So I am going to be honest with myself. Maybe this will help you all to address this if you all struggle like I do with this.
- Don't be lazy. Get up and eat breakfast at home.
- Take your lunch to work every day. Suzie Orman recently stated the death of savings accounts is due to coffee. YUP. Coffee. Add up those coffees for entire month, and she says most americans spend over $200 a month on them. Do the math $200 x 12…….
- Plan ahead. When you do, you won't' forget things.
- Make a budget for yourself.
- Don't make excuses.
- ALLOW yourself to treat yourself. It's ok to get breakfast every now and then.
- Change your circumstance.
- When you do change your circumstance, print out this blog and burn it!
- LET IT GO.
- You are always able to conquer your fears, even your fears of money if you CHOOSE to believe that it can be different.
There you go readers. Good luck.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I have a secret.
There he stood, gazing at that apple. It looked delicious. He knew he shouldn't but why wouldn't he. So he took it and ate it. I think had Adam known that one choice would change the course of history he would have thought a little longer. But regardless of how long it took him, he would have still done it. It was his path. I once got into a conversation with my best friend after a psychology class about free will. We all were taking freshman psychology and suddenly had been enlightened. So we had lots of questions. I remember thinking back to my confirmation class and thinking of my teacher, Mrs. Kornegay. She had prepared me for these kinds of conversations but what I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.
I have a secret. I have wanted to share it with people forever. I have always known this but until recently I just wasn't aware of how powerful this secret really is. It all started with a drive to work and a book on tape. But once I started I couldn't stop thinking that someone had given me the key to the fountain of youth. It was like I was Indiana Jones and suddenly I was on this great quest. A quest of self-discovery and now that I were becoming more aware, how I can not share this experience. Because it all starts with one word….
BELIEVE.
If you think of this word it can many different meanings for each of us. I am sure that they are all very different. But when I think of this word, I think of god. I remember having a conversation with someone about him. They had lost a loved one and were questioning him. I couldn't possibly understand that depth of loss but I told them this….. Do you believe in the wind? They look stunned. Of course they said. I said why do you know that it is the wind? They said," Well I can feel it." And I said," Can you see it?" and they said well I can see it when it blows across the water. I said exactly. But until someone told you that is what it was called you would never even noticed the breeze. I told them I believe not because I saw him but because I felt him and then saw him blow across each of us each day with undying faith. Hoping and praying that each of us would just dare to believe in something not seen. There was no bible for over 600 years. We relied on the apostles to carry on the stories of Jesus. Whatever faiths tell us, there is only one god. But what you chose to call him is your choice. But when you choose to believe in something that most deem impossible, is when you will be able to embrace this secret.
So what is this secret you may ask? Well it's very simple…. The law of attraction. (Positive thinking)
A good mood is contagious and a bad attitude is poisonous.
Have you ever thought that the sky is the limit? Ok so maybe some of you said yes you have THOUGHT it… Now how many of you BELIVED it? I am sure the hands in the room would go down right now by half. The difference is whether you believe or not. I once had a coach tell me my potential was so high but until I started believing in myself I would never win the race. I remember letting that go in one ear and out the other. But what would you do if I told you that right now you have the key to HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANTED? I am sure some of you all would think I am crazy. But we all do have the capacity to be and do anything we want but we have to start telling ourselves that. When you set a goal, and think about that goal and the look at the final outcome it usually will happen. But when you don't and you allow the doubt to set in then you will fail. I say it so simply but it really is that simple.
The power of positive thought is not something I have invented. It is there for us all to use. But we don't. By nature we expect the worse. We say we are being realists. I love that phrase. I love having those talks with our family and friends about some new goal you may have and the natural instinct in all of is to discourage it. We ask questions and then doubt starts. That doubt changes our minds, makes us overthink simple ideas and kills creativity. We all do it. It really is just in our nature. But what if we changed that. What if instead when a friend tells you something, we start off with encouraging thoughts? What if we start off our day telling ourselves what we want to do? You all have heard of the gratitude journal. This journal was part of this. By writing down the thoughts we were having
This week I worked with someone who challenged this new thought process. I actually looked up at heaven and thanked god for placing her in my path. She was my test. I used her as my guinea pig and tried to see if I could change someone who was seemingly impossible to change. So when she started on her rampage I asked her about something that might trigger a happy thought. I have found that when you find that one thought that is truly unconditionally happy then it is your safety net. So I asked her how she met her husband. Instantly I saw a change in her. She just had this light in her.
The only reason why you can't is because YOU say you can't.
Have you ever thought about what you really wanted from life? When you think of this does the immediate sense of "reality" come in and cover that idea with doubt? It happens to most of us. I started realizing some things recently. The power of positive thinking can overcome any feeling you have if you surrender to it. Most of us don't though. We just hung up on a few key words…. Can't, won't, shouldn't, like, etc. But what if you just eliminated those words from your vocabulary? What if you had never learned those words or the meaning of them? Can you imagine all the things you could have achieved?? Now for all of you "realists" out there, your argument to me will be… But I would have done a lot of dumb things and bad choices. Well I hate to say it we all know these things and still did that. So how about you open up your mind to the thought that you don't have to always think about things so negatively.
So I made a choice. I will no longer start a new thought with a doubt. I will not worry about things out of my control. I will strive to hit my goals every day. I will not say I can't do something. I will be a better person every day.
I challenge you all to do this. Start off your day with positive thought. Mediate on those goals you want in life. And stop wishing you could do them and start thinking that you will do them.
So my secret is this……….
Go out there and be happy people. Because if you currently are not, then the only person to blame for that is you.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The vow
vow (vo̵u)
Priest: "Do you take ___ as your lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" noun
- a solemn promise or pledge, esp. one made to God or a god, dedicating oneself to an act, service, or way of life
- a solemn promise of love and fidelity: marriage vows
- a solemn affirmation or assertion
Origin: ME vou < OFr < L votum: see vote
transitive verb
- to promise solemnly
- to make a solemn resolution to do, get, etc.
- to declare emphatically, earnestly, or solemnly
intransitive verb
to make a vow
To make a vow. Such a regal word. I think about the times long ago where the size of the diamond didn't matter. It was the love that conquered all. One out of two marriages end in divorce, such a sad statistic but it is true. Back in the day all a man had was his word. You traded on good faith and your reputation in the world depended on how good your word was.
Most people think that a wedding is a modern day fairytale. With the royal wedding upon us, you see the world is completely consumed by the idea of perfection. We get caught up in the carats, the size of the wedding, and forget what a wedding is about. It is about standing before god and making that vow to one another. It's about joining two families. It's about saying a vow to another person and telling them that they are your forever.
When you strip away all the layers and get right down to the marriage it really is a completely different reality. It's a friendship and a partnership that has to stand the test of time. And how does it do this? LOVE! That magical four letter word is so daunting. When you ask someone who seems so miserable in a marriage, why they are still there. They most always say becuase of they still love that person.
I am that hopeless romantic.
I love fairy tales, I love the romatic idea of love. I constantly quote Pride and Prejudcie to my husband. When Mr. Darcy walks through the meadow with the beaming lights hitting him, he is a vision. He walks up to Elizabeth and tells her with a stammer that he is in love with her and that she bewiches him body and soul. People just don't speak with that ellegance anymore. Imagine the world if we still did. When I was a little girl I was consumed with the idea of finding my prince charming and living happily ever after.
For those of you that were married, your vows may of sounded something like this...
When you strip away all the layers and get right down to the marriage it really is a completely different reality. It's a friendship and a partnership that has to stand the test of time. And how does it do this? LOVE! That magical four letter word is so daunting. When you ask someone who seems so miserable in a marriage, why they are still there. They most always say becuase of they still love that person.
I am that hopeless romantic.
I love fairy tales, I love the romatic idea of love. I constantly quote Pride and Prejudcie to my husband. When Mr. Darcy walks through the meadow with the beaming lights hitting him, he is a vision. He walks up to Elizabeth and tells her with a stammer that he is in love with her and that she bewiches him body and soul. People just don't speak with that ellegance anymore. Imagine the world if we still did. When I was a little girl I was consumed with the idea of finding my prince charming and living happily ever after.
For those of you that were married, your vows may of sounded something like this...
Bride/Groom: "I do" Bride/Groom: "I take this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit." "
The words cherish and for better and worse are in there. So what happens to us in marriages? Why do they end?
Now, I will never presume to be an expert in marriage or divorce. Because in matters of the heart there really can be no experts. Our hearts make us do all sorts of things. And one of them is falling in love and one of them is falling out of love. Communication is the key to any marriage but more importantly you have to have a partnership. You have to go in knowing that you have someone who will always have your back. When you marry someone, you can't hope that marriage will change the things that you may have never liked about your partner. Becuase they only magnify when you get married.
Communication is the key to every marriage. People don't talk about how you will raise your children, you don't talk about what faith you will raise them, or will you have children, who will be in charge of the bills, etc. If we did, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.
I say I coach honesty. So I am determined to help people see that we can save this covenant between two people if we start talking honestly. We have to stop thinking our partners can read our minds and start talking about the things that are hurting us.
People stop talking, people cosume themselves with the everyday life and forget that the pilar that holds the house together is the marriage. People don't talk honestly. They get mad, they get offended, they are the victim, they point the finger. We don't listen to each other and we certainly are not honest with ourselves. We dont ask the tough questions before we get married. But once you start doing this, it will forever change your relationship. No secrets, no doubts, just honesty. Ask yourself, does your partner really know you? Does your partner have the same EXPECTATIONS of marriage that you do?
I read another interesting fact... Most people that get divorced had serious doubts on their wedding day.
Marriage and Divorce
(Data are for the U.S.)
- Number of marriages: 2,077,000
- Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
- Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)
I know that every situation can be different. Some divorces have to happen. There is abuse, emotional and physical. I would never presume to think that you should stay in those kind of situations. But I do believe that if you are honest and communicate before you take that walk down the aisle then you will start to see a glimpse of the future. So always listen to gut, love yourself and never settle for anything. Love yourself first and then you will find that marriage comes like love... naturally.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Pass
The crowd cheers every time a pass is made. The anticipation for that next catch sends a silence over a crowd of thousands. Then right when you think, you have the touchdown of a lifetime in your hands, the ball passes through your fingers. The crowd once again silenced. You can feel their disappointment.
Anyone can tell you that I am football fan. I wish I could of played it, just the thought of tackling someone makes me giddy. But I look at football as a great tool for life lessons.
Thus the name Coach Honesty. I learned to coach others through the magnificent coaches I had in my life.
Life gives you a serious of passes. You decided which one to catch. Now I know that sounds really catchy with the title and all but in actuality this story is about a town that changed my life forever and its name is the pass, or rather in Spanish... El Paso.
My husband and I were both working in retail. It had managed to swallow us like it does so many others. We worked hard, made decent money and felt the world was at our fingertips. Looking back at that now, we were so young and naive.
The day we got back from our honeymoon we got a call. Actually a voicemail. It was my husbands dad. He had an opening in his company and thought my husband would be the perfect fit as the replacement. So while we are driving home fron our blissful, sun filled vacation we had alot to talk about. So for the three hours driving home we spoke about this. It was hard to think we wouldn't be living in our favorite little town anymore, we had a strong foundation with our friends and I had finally felt like my family and I were growing closer. By the time we parked into our driveway we had made our decision. Insert the NFL network here.
We had caught a major pass.
We told our friends, told my family and made a move that would change our lives forever. Now I am from a small town. I grew up with grass, cows and alot of small town mindsets. I had no idea what I was about to experience. Who would of thought this part of Texas would be so different, right?
My husband was the one who took convincing to go back to his hometown. I can understand. I don't think I could ever return back to my old stomping grounds. My husband was the high school jock, the captain of the football team (insert the Monday Night Football theme here) and he felt like going home was like waving a white flag. But I had ensured him that the opportunity that was presented to him was right up his alley. His dad had planned on stepping backas president, my husband had every opportunity to make this company grow and take it over for him. So the future looked so much brighter for us in el paso.
But we had no idea what god had planned for us while we were there.
We settled in nicely. Paid off our debt (or rather my school debt), had a nice little house and started off like any newlywed couple.
One day after we had been in town for about a year we were having dinner at Chili's. My husband stepped away to go the restroom. I realized it had taken him a little bit. When he came back he looked as if he had seen a ghost. He sat down and was very quiet. When I asked him what had happened, he said he had just seen his sister and brother. I stopped dead in my tracks. Let me tell you about this pass that is coming our way......My husband is the oldest of four children. The last time he had seen his baby sister he was eight years old. She was not even two yet. See, these are his half brother and sisters. Right before we had moved to el paso, we went out for a friends birthday. That night ended up in the emergency room. My husband hadn't spoken much of the life he had with his father. I just knew that he hadn't spoken to him in over 15 years and I knew practically nothing about his step siblings. My husband had a tough life with his father. That night for the first time, I saw how that missing element in his life haunted him. I guess I had never imagined how it must feel to know that your father missed everything in your life. He never called on his birthday, and this was what had set him off. He couldn't understand why his father didn't love him. What had he done? His dad married the woman that had ended his mother and fathers marriage. But my husband was so little that he didn't know any of this. He had a complicated relationship with his step mother. She had a lot of spite towards him. She was just hateful. She did things that I think she didn't think he would remember but he did. Now, I am a strong believer that many parents parent the only way they know how to, by the example they were taught. I use to have mixed feelings about her but I know she loved my husband. She was the one who usually picked him up and took care of him. So I have no ill will towards to her. He was never treated like a part of "their" family and more like a burden. Once they started having kids of their own it just got worse. But my husband loved those kids. He never wanted to be an only child. When my husband asked to be adopted by his "father" of course his dad wouldn't hear of it. I know his dad loved him but he just didn't know what to do. I will never judge him. God only knows what was going on with him and his family life at the time. I know he loved him though because if he didn't he woulnd of said ok to my husband that day. But instead he said you are my son. But my husband was hurt. So when he was 18 he was able to make that decision for himself and he did. By that time he hadn't seen his dad since he was 8 and then the one day at their "last supper" when he asked to be adopted. I can't imagine having that conversation.
So when we saw his siblings with his step mother that day I expected him to stay away from them honestly. But depsite how his step mother was with him, he still loved her and he was beyond excited to finally see his siblings.
We started spending time with them. My husbands brother was in a terrible motorcycle accident and that was what lead to my husband being reuinted with his dad.
And the pass is thrown once again.
My husband became a very different person during this time. I could see his heart healing. He had forgiven. He had let the past go. He had began to understand himself again. It was wonderfiul to see. He had grown extrememly close to his siblings but more importantly to the his oldest sister. And he started taking on a role with them all. He jsut wasn't sure where he fit in. He tried so hard. I remember looking at him. It was hard to see him search for a place in their hearts. He wanted so to be included, to be a part of their lives. But like before things started to unravel. He kept this reuion a secret from his father for over a year. Every day became more complicated.
I remember one day in church talking to god and telling him that my first years of marriage were so easy. I was thanking him for them and then he said, "remember them because it will not always be this easy." The next three years in el paso consisted of ups and downs, many sleepless nights, and one baby and another one on the way. All the while, I knew we couldn't stay on the sinking ship but didn't know how to get out off of it. We had lost ourselves, we were miserable. We had our first son and he was our salvation. He was our light and when we had him we knew that el paso wasn't going to be our home. My husband's father found out about his dad and that was the catalyst. I understood why he was hurt. But in the end he could not deny his son having a relationship with his dad. He didn't understand it because he saw what my husband had gone through. He was just being protective. But that made work even harder for the both of them.
And then the pass came...
Its in the air, its pretty high. I don't know if we can catch it, or if we even should?
I loved my job. I had been told I had so much potential and it was being wasted in the minor leagues. I had been offered a job in san antonio for the last four years. When I found out my store was closing I was almost five months pregnant. Now I didn't have to work but I loved my job and liked contributing to the household. My husband had started adjusting to the idea that I would just be a stay at home mom when my boss asked me one last time if I wanted the job. The other times I had spoken to my husband about it, it was a little joke because my job wasn't really that important. But when I asked him about this this time, it was like his get out of jail free card and he took it. I would be the reason why we left and that would just be easier.
So we took the pass into the end zone.
The only person who understood why we would leave such a comfy lifestyle was my mother in law. Noone else quite understood and some took it personal. But this was a move we made to save ourselves. We needed to make it out there in the world on our own and create a family based on that. We have never had anything handed to us, ever, so we knew that moving back would be difficult but we knew we could survive it.
It certainly hasn't always felt like that last pass was the best. I have probably thrown the red flag for review more than anyone since we have been back. But I know when we look back on this it will be that superbowl highlight reel. All the tears, all the struggles will end up leading to the big win. God has a plan, and we are merely the offensive line. He throws us the pass to see who is courageous enough to get out there and catch it.
So I am out there on the field, I am no longer waiting for that pass to come.. We are out there going in for that fourth down. See you at the superbowl people, I hope you come along for the ride with us.
Great things came from this game. I would go back to El Paso if we had to. We made great friends there, gained a wonderful new extended family. I will never regret the things we learned there. We had our first son there and more importantly my husband and I learned that we can withstand anything as long we know the play book and are on the same page.
Anyone can tell you that I am football fan. I wish I could of played it, just the thought of tackling someone makes me giddy. But I look at football as a great tool for life lessons.
Thus the name Coach Honesty. I learned to coach others through the magnificent coaches I had in my life.
Life gives you a serious of passes. You decided which one to catch. Now I know that sounds really catchy with the title and all but in actuality this story is about a town that changed my life forever and its name is the pass, or rather in Spanish... El Paso.
My husband and I were both working in retail. It had managed to swallow us like it does so many others. We worked hard, made decent money and felt the world was at our fingertips. Looking back at that now, we were so young and naive.
The day we got back from our honeymoon we got a call. Actually a voicemail. It was my husbands dad. He had an opening in his company and thought my husband would be the perfect fit as the replacement. So while we are driving home fron our blissful, sun filled vacation we had alot to talk about. So for the three hours driving home we spoke about this. It was hard to think we wouldn't be living in our favorite little town anymore, we had a strong foundation with our friends and I had finally felt like my family and I were growing closer. By the time we parked into our driveway we had made our decision. Insert the NFL network here.
We had caught a major pass.
We told our friends, told my family and made a move that would change our lives forever. Now I am from a small town. I grew up with grass, cows and alot of small town mindsets. I had no idea what I was about to experience. Who would of thought this part of Texas would be so different, right?
My husband was the one who took convincing to go back to his hometown. I can understand. I don't think I could ever return back to my old stomping grounds. My husband was the high school jock, the captain of the football team (insert the Monday Night Football theme here) and he felt like going home was like waving a white flag. But I had ensured him that the opportunity that was presented to him was right up his alley. His dad had planned on stepping backas president, my husband had every opportunity to make this company grow and take it over for him. So the future looked so much brighter for us in el paso.
But we had no idea what god had planned for us while we were there.
We settled in nicely. Paid off our debt (or rather my school debt), had a nice little house and started off like any newlywed couple.
One day after we had been in town for about a year we were having dinner at Chili's. My husband stepped away to go the restroom. I realized it had taken him a little bit. When he came back he looked as if he had seen a ghost. He sat down and was very quiet. When I asked him what had happened, he said he had just seen his sister and brother. I stopped dead in my tracks. Let me tell you about this pass that is coming our way......My husband is the oldest of four children. The last time he had seen his baby sister he was eight years old. She was not even two yet. See, these are his half brother and sisters. Right before we had moved to el paso, we went out for a friends birthday. That night ended up in the emergency room. My husband hadn't spoken much of the life he had with his father. I just knew that he hadn't spoken to him in over 15 years and I knew practically nothing about his step siblings. My husband had a tough life with his father. That night for the first time, I saw how that missing element in his life haunted him. I guess I had never imagined how it must feel to know that your father missed everything in your life. He never called on his birthday, and this was what had set him off. He couldn't understand why his father didn't love him. What had he done? His dad married the woman that had ended his mother and fathers marriage. But my husband was so little that he didn't know any of this. He had a complicated relationship with his step mother. She had a lot of spite towards him. She was just hateful. She did things that I think she didn't think he would remember but he did. Now, I am a strong believer that many parents parent the only way they know how to, by the example they were taught. I use to have mixed feelings about her but I know she loved my husband. She was the one who usually picked him up and took care of him. So I have no ill will towards to her. He was never treated like a part of "their" family and more like a burden. Once they started having kids of their own it just got worse. But my husband loved those kids. He never wanted to be an only child. When my husband asked to be adopted by his "father" of course his dad wouldn't hear of it. I know his dad loved him but he just didn't know what to do. I will never judge him. God only knows what was going on with him and his family life at the time. I know he loved him though because if he didn't he woulnd of said ok to my husband that day. But instead he said you are my son. But my husband was hurt. So when he was 18 he was able to make that decision for himself and he did. By that time he hadn't seen his dad since he was 8 and then the one day at their "last supper" when he asked to be adopted. I can't imagine having that conversation.
So when we saw his siblings with his step mother that day I expected him to stay away from them honestly. But depsite how his step mother was with him, he still loved her and he was beyond excited to finally see his siblings.
We started spending time with them. My husbands brother was in a terrible motorcycle accident and that was what lead to my husband being reuinted with his dad.
And the pass is thrown once again.
My husband became a very different person during this time. I could see his heart healing. He had forgiven. He had let the past go. He had began to understand himself again. It was wonderfiul to see. He had grown extrememly close to his siblings but more importantly to the his oldest sister. And he started taking on a role with them all. He jsut wasn't sure where he fit in. He tried so hard. I remember looking at him. It was hard to see him search for a place in their hearts. He wanted so to be included, to be a part of their lives. But like before things started to unravel. He kept this reuion a secret from his father for over a year. Every day became more complicated.
I remember one day in church talking to god and telling him that my first years of marriage were so easy. I was thanking him for them and then he said, "remember them because it will not always be this easy." The next three years in el paso consisted of ups and downs, many sleepless nights, and one baby and another one on the way. All the while, I knew we couldn't stay on the sinking ship but didn't know how to get out off of it. We had lost ourselves, we were miserable. We had our first son and he was our salvation. He was our light and when we had him we knew that el paso wasn't going to be our home. My husband's father found out about his dad and that was the catalyst. I understood why he was hurt. But in the end he could not deny his son having a relationship with his dad. He didn't understand it because he saw what my husband had gone through. He was just being protective. But that made work even harder for the both of them.
And then the pass came...
Its in the air, its pretty high. I don't know if we can catch it, or if we even should?
I loved my job. I had been told I had so much potential and it was being wasted in the minor leagues. I had been offered a job in san antonio for the last four years. When I found out my store was closing I was almost five months pregnant. Now I didn't have to work but I loved my job and liked contributing to the household. My husband had started adjusting to the idea that I would just be a stay at home mom when my boss asked me one last time if I wanted the job. The other times I had spoken to my husband about it, it was a little joke because my job wasn't really that important. But when I asked him about this this time, it was like his get out of jail free card and he took it. I would be the reason why we left and that would just be easier.
So we took the pass into the end zone.
The only person who understood why we would leave such a comfy lifestyle was my mother in law. Noone else quite understood and some took it personal. But this was a move we made to save ourselves. We needed to make it out there in the world on our own and create a family based on that. We have never had anything handed to us, ever, so we knew that moving back would be difficult but we knew we could survive it.
It certainly hasn't always felt like that last pass was the best. I have probably thrown the red flag for review more than anyone since we have been back. But I know when we look back on this it will be that superbowl highlight reel. All the tears, all the struggles will end up leading to the big win. God has a plan, and we are merely the offensive line. He throws us the pass to see who is courageous enough to get out there and catch it.
So I am out there on the field, I am no longer waiting for that pass to come.. We are out there going in for that fourth down. See you at the superbowl people, I hope you come along for the ride with us.
Great things came from this game. I would go back to El Paso if we had to. We made great friends there, gained a wonderful new extended family. I will never regret the things we learned there. We had our first son there and more importantly my husband and I learned that we can withstand anything as long we know the play book and are on the same page.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Loss leads to forgiveness
Someone once told me my perspective is my reality. My reality of family was complicated, loving, wholesome, intense and full of heart break. I hear the western music in the background while I am writing about the final frontier. I could write a book about it. It would make a great movie. Each scene of the movie would be dramatic but there is a happy ending. It just hasn't happened yet.
My mother grew up on a farm. She started working at a young age. She worked the fields with her brothers and sisters. There were two farms that connected my grandfather and his brothers and they worked them to support their familes. My mother lost her mother at a very young age. After her brother died, her mother followed. They left behind 12 small childeren. My mother was now the oldest and the mother figure for a while. Her family survived a brutal and cruel uncle, discrimination, abuse in every way and they survived becuase despite it all they loved each other.
When I think that times are tough I think about her and her family. I think about my uncles and aunts. They are all so much stronger than any people I know. I hope they are proud of who they are because I am proud to be their neice.
I started to think about family because I have a cousin I have been praying for lately. She is a wonderful person but I haven't seen her in many years. My dads family is completely different than my moms. They are spread out and they all love each other but they keep each other at a distance sometimes.
I think that a great loss, especially of a mother makes a family grow closer, A mother is like the balance beam in a family. My moms family could of completely fallen apart but it didnt. I learned that a family with no mother seems to stick together because they have learned that a loss that great is not worth all the silly fights. My moms family can fight. My grandfather was stubborn, so they all can have that quality. Who am I kidding, I have it too. Half my family didn't even come to my wedding because of this. But their perspective is differnet than my dads family. Each day can be taken for granted and when my grandmother passed away from my dads side I knew she didn't want to leave quite yet because her children still didn't quite get along. Such a burden for her to bear, but in her death I finally started to see some healing happen with my father and his siblings. She looks down on them everyday and I know she wishes that they would just forgive. They have grown so much. And I know that she is resting more peacefully because they love each other. In the end that is all that matter with family. In what ever way you show it, its love.
This lead me to my questions for today....
When do you start taking responsiblity for the past and start living for the future?
We all play a part in the past. But I have learned alot from my husband. He is the most forgiving person I know. I will be blogging about him tomorrow. But, one thing he has taught me is that by the mistakes of others he has choosen to be better. He is so positive. But he is on to something. You have to start looking at the past and realizing what part you played in it. Then you have to set yourself free. Then and only then can your future really be fully lived. Quit pointing the finger. Its time to start looking at yourself in the mirror.
Did you tell the person you are upset with, that you are upset with them?
I think this is common sense but for people who hate confrontation the number one reason why they stay upset longer is becuase the never have the gumption to just tell the person..... I mean, just tell the person... You hurt my feelings. Its not hard. But people just don't talk. With all this new techonology it only gets worse. We post it on blogs, facebook and text people just so that we don't have to talk about it. I have friends who would rather text someone than answer their phone. The bottom line, you can be mad all you want at a person but if you NEVER talk about it then you are only hurting one person. YOU.
Regret?
Dont regret today, don't regret tomorrow. Just talk about it. Regret is like a cancer. Noone wants to talk about it but when you are educated then you can hope and that is a little less intimatdating.
This is Coach Honestly. Speak honestly. Speak from the heart. And listen.
My mother grew up on a farm. She started working at a young age. She worked the fields with her brothers and sisters. There were two farms that connected my grandfather and his brothers and they worked them to support their familes. My mother lost her mother at a very young age. After her brother died, her mother followed. They left behind 12 small childeren. My mother was now the oldest and the mother figure for a while. Her family survived a brutal and cruel uncle, discrimination, abuse in every way and they survived becuase despite it all they loved each other.
When I think that times are tough I think about her and her family. I think about my uncles and aunts. They are all so much stronger than any people I know. I hope they are proud of who they are because I am proud to be their neice.
I started to think about family because I have a cousin I have been praying for lately. She is a wonderful person but I haven't seen her in many years. My dads family is completely different than my moms. They are spread out and they all love each other but they keep each other at a distance sometimes.
I think that a great loss, especially of a mother makes a family grow closer, A mother is like the balance beam in a family. My moms family could of completely fallen apart but it didnt. I learned that a family with no mother seems to stick together because they have learned that a loss that great is not worth all the silly fights. My moms family can fight. My grandfather was stubborn, so they all can have that quality. Who am I kidding, I have it too. Half my family didn't even come to my wedding because of this. But their perspective is differnet than my dads family. Each day can be taken for granted and when my grandmother passed away from my dads side I knew she didn't want to leave quite yet because her children still didn't quite get along. Such a burden for her to bear, but in her death I finally started to see some healing happen with my father and his siblings. She looks down on them everyday and I know she wishes that they would just forgive. They have grown so much. And I know that she is resting more peacefully because they love each other. In the end that is all that matter with family. In what ever way you show it, its love.
This lead me to my questions for today....
When do you start taking responsiblity for the past and start living for the future?
We all play a part in the past. But I have learned alot from my husband. He is the most forgiving person I know. I will be blogging about him tomorrow. But, one thing he has taught me is that by the mistakes of others he has choosen to be better. He is so positive. But he is on to something. You have to start looking at the past and realizing what part you played in it. Then you have to set yourself free. Then and only then can your future really be fully lived. Quit pointing the finger. Its time to start looking at yourself in the mirror.
Did you tell the person you are upset with, that you are upset with them?
I think this is common sense but for people who hate confrontation the number one reason why they stay upset longer is becuase the never have the gumption to just tell the person..... I mean, just tell the person... You hurt my feelings. Its not hard. But people just don't talk. With all this new techonology it only gets worse. We post it on blogs, facebook and text people just so that we don't have to talk about it. I have friends who would rather text someone than answer their phone. The bottom line, you can be mad all you want at a person but if you NEVER talk about it then you are only hurting one person. YOU.
Regret?
Dont regret today, don't regret tomorrow. Just talk about it. Regret is like a cancer. Noone wants to talk about it but when you are educated then you can hope and that is a little less intimatdating.
This is Coach Honestly. Speak honestly. Speak from the heart. And listen.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Heart Attack
Today my mother called me to tell me that she would not be able to come down for easter. Now this was of course very sad and right when I was about to tell her this she told me something else... She said that an old friend of mine had just had a heart attack. She wanted me to pray for him. He is so young. Only 33 years old. He is a dad. He is a husband and a son. All I could think about was his family. His father passed away at a very young age. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was a very sad part of his life. I remember the day he found out. He told me he wasn't sure if he even loved his dad. I think I could understand his strained relationship with his father because I had a similar one. The difference is despite it all I loved my father and I knew he loved me. My friend and I became even closer during this time. He didn't go to college so that he could be there for his family. When I went off to college our relationship changed and we parted ways only a year into our relationship. Several years later he called me. He told me his father had just passed away. Days from his own birthday. He said he called me first. I think he knew how I would feel about it. I remember that day.
So when I heard about this heart attack I started thinking about a few things...
First, why is it there are so many strained relationships between father and sons?
What I do if today was my last day to live?
What I do if my husband had a heart attack suddenly?
Do I live each day with appreciation?
So here I am starting this blog. I have always wanted to blog. I have always wanted to be a life coach. But this is my honest answer to these questions and I hope you learn from them.
Question one:
Father and son relationships are so important. I think it is unfortante that so many men are called fathers. I believe that is earned not just given. I think men try to hard to show their boys how to be men and not how to be dad themselves. The bottom line... a father shows this by being a good father. I believe my friends father was a very good man. I loved him. He always made me laugh. But, my friend said he couldn't even remember his father telling him he loved him.
So to all of you fathers out there.. here is my advice.... tell your sons you love them, tell them you are proud of them, tell them they can be anything if they work hard to do so, and spend time with them. If you think they don't need this, YOU ARE WRONG. Do it when ever you can, and you will see that it does matter to them.
Question two:
Thats easy. I would of not worked today and spent the day at the park with my family. I have an amazing man that is the father to my two sons. My idea of heaven is spending my time with them.
Question three:
I don't think I could ever prepare for that. But my husband is my life line. I would be completely lost. I need to start doing for him like he does for me.
Question four:
People always say live life to the fullest. I say live it with appreciation. Live your life with all your heart. Let it attack each day and do it with soul.
Coach honestly, listen attentatively and live passionately.
So when I heard about this heart attack I started thinking about a few things...
First, why is it there are so many strained relationships between father and sons?
What I do if today was my last day to live?
What I do if my husband had a heart attack suddenly?
Do I live each day with appreciation?
So here I am starting this blog. I have always wanted to blog. I have always wanted to be a life coach. But this is my honest answer to these questions and I hope you learn from them.
Question one:
Father and son relationships are so important. I think it is unfortante that so many men are called fathers. I believe that is earned not just given. I think men try to hard to show their boys how to be men and not how to be dad themselves. The bottom line... a father shows this by being a good father. I believe my friends father was a very good man. I loved him. He always made me laugh. But, my friend said he couldn't even remember his father telling him he loved him.
So to all of you fathers out there.. here is my advice.... tell your sons you love them, tell them you are proud of them, tell them they can be anything if they work hard to do so, and spend time with them. If you think they don't need this, YOU ARE WRONG. Do it when ever you can, and you will see that it does matter to them.
Question two:
Thats easy. I would of not worked today and spent the day at the park with my family. I have an amazing man that is the father to my two sons. My idea of heaven is spending my time with them.
Question three:
I don't think I could ever prepare for that. But my husband is my life line. I would be completely lost. I need to start doing for him like he does for me.
Question four:
People always say live life to the fullest. I say live it with appreciation. Live your life with all your heart. Let it attack each day and do it with soul.
Coach honestly, listen attentatively and live passionately.
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