The vow

vow (vo̵u)

noun

1. a solemn promise or pledge, esp. one made to God or a god, dedicating oneself to an act, service, or way of life
2. a solemn promise of love and fidelity: marriage vows
3. a solemn affirmation or assertion

Origin: ME vou < OFr < L votum: see vote

transitive verb

1. to promise solemnly
2. to make a solemn resolution to do, get, etc.
3. to declare emphatically, earnestly, or solemnly

intransitive verb

to make a vow

To make a vow.  Such a regal word.  I think about the times long ago where the size of the diamond didn't matter.  It was the love that conquered all. One out of two marriages end in divorce, such a sad statistic but it is true.  Back in the day all a man had was his word. You traded on good faith and your reputation in the world depended on how good your word was. 

Most people think that a wedding is a modern day fairytale.  With the royal wedding upon us, you see the world is completely consumed by the idea of perfection. We get caught up in the carats, the size of the wedding, and forget what a wedding is about.  It is about standing before god and making that vow to one another.  It's about joining two families.  It's about saying a vow to another person and telling them that they are your forever.

When you strip away all the layers and get right down to the marriage it really is a completely different reality.  It's a friendship and a partnership that has to stand the test of time.  And how does it do this?  LOVE!  That magical four letter word is so daunting.  When you ask someone who seems so miserable in a marriage, why they are still there.  They most always say becuase of they still love that person. 
I am that hopeless romantic.
I love fairy tales, I love the romatic idea of love.  I constantly quote Pride and Prejudcie to my husband.  When Mr. Darcy walks through the meadow with the beaming lights hitting him, he is a vision.  He walks up to Elizabeth and tells her with a stammer that he is in love with her and that she bewiches him body and soul.  People just don't speak with that ellegance anymore.  Imagine the world if we still did.   When I was a little girl I was consumed with the idea of finding my prince charming and living happily ever after.

For those of you that were married, your vows may of sounded something like this...

Priest: "Do you take ___ as your lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?"

Bride/Groom: "I do" Bride/Groom: "I take this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit." "


The words cherish and for better and worse are in there.  So what happens to us in marriages?  Why do they end?

Now, I will never presume to be an expert in marriage or divorce. Because in matters of the heart there really can be no experts.  Our hearts make us do all sorts of things.  And one of them is falling in love and one of them is falling out of love.  Communication is the key to any marriage but more importantly you have to have  a partnership.  You have to go in knowing that you have someone who will always have your back.  When you marry someone, you can't hope that marriage will change the things that you may have never liked about your partner.  Becuase they only magnify when you get married.

Communication is the key to every marriage.  People don't talk about how you will raise your children, you don't talk about what faith you will raise them, or will you have children, who will be in charge of the bills, etc.  If we did, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.
I say I coach honesty.  So I am determined to help people see that we can save this covenant between two people if we start talking honestly.  We have to stop thinking our partners can read our minds and start talking about the things that are hurting us.

People stop talking, people cosume themselves with the everyday life and forget that the pilar that holds the house together is the marriage.  People don't talk honestly.  They get mad, they get offended, they are the victim, they point the finger.  We don't listen to each other and we certainly are not honest with ourselves. We dont ask the tough questions before we get married.  But once you start doing this, it will forever change your relationship.  No secrets, no doubts, just honesty.  Ask yourself, does your partner really know you? Does your partner have the same EXPECTATIONS of marriage that you do?

I read another interesting fact... Most people that get divorced had serious doubts on their wedding day.

Marriage and Divorce
(Data are for the U.S.)

• Number of marriages: 2,077,000
• Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
• Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)

I know that every situation can be different. Some divorces have to happen.  There is abuse, emotional and physical.  I would never presume to think that you should stay in those kind of situations.  But I do believe that if you are honest and communicate before you take that walk down the aisle then you will start to see  a glimpse of the future.  So always listen to gut, love yourself and never settle for anything.  Love yourself first and then you will find that marriage comes like love... naturally.

The Pass

The crowd cheers every time a pass is made.  The  anticipation for that next catch sends a silence over a crowd of thousands. Then right when you think, you have the touchdown of a lifetime in your hands, the ball passes through your fingers.  The crowd once again silenced.  You can feel their disappointment. 

Anyone can tell you that I am football fan.  I wish I could of played it, just the thought of tackling someone makes me giddy.  But I look at football as a great tool for life lessons.
Thus the name Coach Honesty.  I learned to coach others through the magnificent coaches I had in my life. 

Life gives you a serious of passes.  You decided which one to catch.  Now I know that sounds really catchy with the title and all but in actuality this story is about a town that changed my life forever and its name is the pass, or rather in Spanish... El Paso.

My husband and I were both working in retail.  It had managed to swallow us like it does so many others.  We worked hard, made decent money and felt the world was at our fingertips.  Looking back at that now, we were so young and naive.
The day we got back from our honeymoon we got a call.  Actually a voicemail.  It was my husbands dad.  He had an opening in his company and thought my husband would be the perfect fit as the replacement.  So while we are driving home fron our blissful, sun filled vacation we had alot to talk about.  So for the three hours driving home we spoke about this. It was hard to think we wouldn't be living in our favorite little town anymore, we had a strong foundation with our friends and I had finally felt like my family and I were growing closer.  By the time we parked into our driveway we had made our decision.  Insert the NFL network here. 

We had caught a major pass. 

We told our friends, told my family and made a move that would change our lives forever.  Now I am from a small town.  I grew up with grass, cows and alot of small town mindsets.  I had no idea what I was about to experience.  Who would of thought this part of Texas would be so different, right? 
My husband was the one who took convincing to go back to his hometown.  I can understand.  I don't think I could ever return back to my old stomping grounds.  My husband was the high school jock, the captain of the football team (insert the Monday Night Football theme here) and he felt like going home was like waving a white flag.  But I had ensured him that the opportunity that was presented to him was right up his alley.  His dad had planned on stepping backas president,  my husband had every opportunity to make this company grow and take it over for him.  So the future looked so much brighter for us in el paso.
But we had no idea what god had planned for us while we were there.
We settled in nicely.  Paid off our debt (or rather my school debt), had a nice little house and started off like any newlywed couple.
One day after we had been in town for about a year we were having dinner at Chili's.  My husband stepped away to go the restroom.  I realized it had taken him a little bit.  When he came back he looked as if he had seen a ghost.  He sat down and was very quiet.  When I asked him what had happened, he said he had just seen his sister and brother.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  Let me tell you about this pass that is coming our way......My husband is the oldest of four children.  The last time he had seen his baby sister he was eight years old.  She was not even two yet.  See, these are his half brother and sisters.  Right before we had moved to el paso, we went out for a friends birthday.  That night ended up in the emergency room.  My husband hadn't spoken much of the life he had with his father.  I just knew that he hadn't spoken to him in over 15 years and I knew practically nothing about his step siblings. My husband had a tough life with his father.  That night for the first time, I saw how that missing element in his life haunted him.  I guess I had never imagined how it must feel to know that your father missed everything in your life.  He never called on his birthday, and this was what had set him off.  He couldn't understand why his father didn't love him.  What had he done?   His dad married the woman that had ended his mother and fathers marriage.  But my husband was so little that he didn't know any of this.  He had a complicated relationship with his step mother.  She had a lot of spite towards him.  She was just hateful.  She did things that I think she didn't think he would remember but he did. Now, I am a strong  believer that many parents parent the only way they know how to, by the example they were taught. I use to have mixed feelings about her but I know she loved my husband.  She was the one who usually picked him up and took care of him. So I have no ill will towards to her. He was never treated like a part of "their" family and more like a burden.  Once they started having kids of their own it just got worse.  But my husband loved those kids.  He never wanted to be an only child.  When my husband asked to be adopted by his "father" of course his dad wouldn't hear of it.  I know his dad loved him but he just didn't know what to do.  I will never judge him.  God only knows what was going on with him and his family life at the time.  I know he loved him though because if he didn't he woulnd of said ok to my husband that day.  But instead he said you are my son.  But my husband was hurt.  So when he was 18 he was able to make that decision for himself and he did.  By that time he hadn't seen his dad since he was 8 and then the one day at their "last supper" when he asked to be adopted.  I can't imagine having that conversation.  
So when we saw his siblings with his step mother that day I expected him to stay away from them honestly. But depsite how his step mother was with him, he still loved her and he was beyond excited to finally see his siblings. 
We started spending time with them.  My husbands brother was in a terrible motorcycle accident and that was what lead to my husband being reuinted with his dad.

And the pass is thrown once again.

My husband became a very different person during this time.  I could see his heart healing.  He had forgiven.  He had let the past go.  He had began to understand himself again.  It was wonderfiul to see.  He had grown extrememly close to his siblings but more importantly to the his oldest sister.  And he started taking on a role with them all.  He jsut wasn't sure where he fit in.  He tried so hard.  I remember looking at him.  It was hard to see him search for a place in their hearts.  He wanted so to be included, to be a part of their lives.  But like before things started to unravel.  He kept this reuion a secret from his father for over a year. Every day became more complicated.
 
I remember one day in church talking to god and telling him that my first years of marriage were so easy. I was thanking him for them and then he said, "remember them because it will not always be this easy." The next three years in el paso consisted of ups and downs, many sleepless nights, and one baby and another one on the way.  All the while, I knew we couldn't stay on the sinking ship but didn't know how to get out off of it.  We had lost ourselves, we were miserable.  We had our first son and he was our salvation.  He was our light and when we had him we knew that el paso wasn't going to be our home.   My husband's father found out about his dad and that was the catalyst.  I understood why he was hurt.  But in the end he could not deny his son having a relationship with his dad.  He didn't understand it because he saw what my husband had gone through.  He was just being protective.  But that made work even harder for the both of them.

And then the pass came...
Its in the air, its pretty high.  I don't know if we can catch it, or if we even should?

I loved my job.  I had been told I had so much potential and it was being wasted in the minor leagues.  I had been offered a job in san antonio for the last four years. When I found out my store was closing I was almost five months pregnant. Now I didn't have to work but I loved my job and liked contributing to the household.  My husband had started adjusting to the idea that I would just be a stay at home mom when my boss asked me one last time if I wanted the job.  The other times I had spoken to my husband about it, it was a little joke because my job wasn't really that important.  But when I asked him about this this time, it was like his get out of jail free card and he took it.  I would be the reason why we left and that would just be easier.

So we took the pass into the end zone.

The only person who understood why we would leave such a comfy lifestyle was my mother in law.  Noone else quite understood and some took it personal. But this was a move we made to save ourselves. We needed to make it out there in the world on our own and create a family based on that.  We have never had anything handed to us, ever, so we knew that moving back would be difficult but we knew we could survive it.

It certainly hasn't always felt like that last pass was the best.  I have probably thrown the red flag for review more than anyone since we have been back. But I know when we look back on this it will be that superbowl highlight reel.  All the tears, all the struggles will end up leading to the big win.  God has a plan, and we are merely the offensive line.  He throws us the pass to see who is courageous enough to get out there and catch it. 

So I am out there on the field, I am no longer waiting for that pass to come.. We are out there going in for that fourth down.  See you at the superbowl people, I hope you come along for the ride with us.

Great things came from this game.  I would go back to El Paso if we had to.  We made great friends there, gained a wonderful new extended family.  I will never regret the things we learned there.  We had our first son there and more importantly my husband and I learned that we can withstand anything as long we know the play book and are on the same page.

Loss leads to forgiveness

Someone once told me my perspective is my reality. My reality of family was complicated, loving, wholesome, intense and full of heart break.  I hear the western music in the background while I am writing about the final frontier.  I could write a book about it.  It would make a great movie. Each scene of the movie would be dramatic but there is a happy ending.  It just hasn't happened yet.

My mother grew up on a farm.  She started working at a young age.  She worked the fields with her brothers and sisters.  There were two farms that connected my grandfather and his brothers and they worked them to support their familes.  My mother lost her mother at a very young age.  After her brother died, her mother followed.  They left behind 12 small childeren.  My mother was now the oldest and the mother figure for a while.  Her family survived a brutal and cruel uncle, discrimination, abuse in every way and they survived becuase despite it all they loved each other.

When I think that times are tough I think about her and her family.  I think about my uncles and aunts.  They are all so much stronger than any people I know.  I hope they are proud of who they are because I am proud to be their neice. 

I started to think about family because I have a cousin I have been praying for lately.  She is a wonderful person but I haven't seen her in many years.  My dads family is completely different than my moms.  They are spread out and they all love each other but they keep each other at a distance sometimes.


I think that a great loss, especially of a mother makes a family grow closer,  A mother is like the balance beam in a family.  My moms family could of completely fallen apart but it didnt.  I learned that a family with no mother seems to stick together because they have learned that a loss that great is not worth all the silly fights.  My moms family can fight.  My grandfather was stubborn, so they all can have that quality.  Who am I kidding, I have it too.   Half my family didn't even come to my wedding because of this.  But their perspective is differnet than my dads family.  Each day can be taken for granted and when my grandmother passed away from my dads side I knew she didn't want to leave quite yet because her children still didn't quite get along.  Such a burden for her to bear, but in her death I finally started to see some healing happen with my father and his siblings.  She looks down on them everyday and I know she wishes that they would just forgive. They have grown so much.  And I know that she is resting more peacefully because they love each other.  In the end that is all that matter with family.  In what ever way you show it, its love.

This lead me to my questions for today....

When do you start taking responsiblity for the past and start living for the future?
We all play a part in the past.  But I have learned alot from my husband.  He is the most forgiving person I know.  I will be blogging about him tomorrow.  But, one thing he has taught me is that by the mistakes of others he has choosen to be better.  He is so positive.  But he is on to something.  You have to start looking at the past and realizing what part you played in it.  Then you have to set yourself free.  Then and only then can your future really be fully lived. Quit pointing the finger.  Its time to start looking at yourself in the mirror.


Did you tell the person you are upset with, that you are upset with them?

I think this is common sense but for people who hate confrontation the number one reason why they stay upset longer is becuase the never have the gumption to just tell the person..... I mean, just tell the person... You hurt my feelings.  Its not hard.  But people just don't talk.  With all this new techonology it only gets worse.  We post it on blogs, facebook and text people just so that we don't have to talk about it.  I have friends who would rather text someone than answer their phone.  The bottom line,  you can be mad all you want at a person but if you NEVER talk about it then you are only hurting one person. YOU.


Regret?

Dont regret today, don't regret tomorrow.  Just talk about it.  Regret is like a cancer. Noone wants to talk about it but when you are educated then you can hope and that is a little less intimatdating.

This is Coach Honestly.  Speak honestly.  Speak from the heart. And listen.

Heart Attack

Today my mother called me to tell me that she would not be able to come down for easter.  Now this was of course very sad and right when I was about to tell her this she told me something else... She said that an old friend of mine had just had a heart attack.  She wanted me to pray for him.  He is so young. Only 33 years old.  He is a dad.  He is a husband and a son.  All I could think about was his family.  His father passed away at a very young age.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was a very sad part of his life.  I remember the day he found out.  He told me he wasn't sure if he even loved his dad.  I think I could understand his strained relationship with his father because I had a similar one.  The difference is despite it all I loved my father and I knew he loved me.  My friend and I became even closer during this time.  He didn't go to college so that he could be there for his family.  When I went off to college our relationship changed and we parted ways only a year into our relationship. Several years later he called me.  He told me his father had just passed away.  Days from his own birthday.  He said he called me first.  I think he knew how I would feel about it. I remember that day.
So when I heard about this heart attack I started thinking about a few things...

First, why is it there are so many strained relationships between father and sons? 
What I do if today was my last day to live?
What I do if my husband had a heart attack suddenly?
Do I live each day with appreciation?

So here I am starting this blog.  I have always wanted to blog.  I have always wanted to be a life coach.  But this is my honest answer to these questions and I hope you learn from them.

Question one:

Father and son relationships are so important.  I think it is unfortante that so many men are called fathers.  I believe that is earned not just given.  I think men try to hard to show their boys how to be men and not how to be dad themselves.  The bottom line... a father shows this by being a good father.  I believe my friends father was a very good man.  I loved him.  He always made me laugh.  But, my friend said he couldn't even remember his father telling him he loved him. 
So to all of you fathers out there.. here is my advice.... tell your sons you love them, tell them you are proud of them, tell them they can be anything if they work hard to do so, and spend time with them.  If you think they don't need this, YOU ARE WRONG.  Do it when ever you can, and you will see that it does matter to them.

Question two:
Thats easy. I would of not worked today and spent the day at the park with my family. I have an amazing man that is the father to my two sons.  My idea of heaven is spending my time with them.

Question three:
I don't think I could ever prepare for that.  But my husband is my life line.  I would be completely lost.  I need to start doing for him like he does for me. 

Question four:
People always say live life to the fullest.  I say live it with appreciation.  Live your life with all your heart.  Let it attack each day and do it with soul.

Coach honestly, listen attentatively and live passionately.