Money

The number one reason why couples divorce, Money.


I grew up in a household where this was the constant war in our house. There were no other fights, Just money. When I was in fourth grade we lost everything. Now, that I am older I think about that day often. I remember it. I remember moving in a day, grabbing everything we had and leaving. We lived in a trailer house, now people don't think that people that lived in trailer houses have much but we did. We never wanted; my mother who had grown up with nothing was in heaven. She spent and spent and spent, because she had never been able to do that before. I had a room filled with toys. They literally covered the floor. My dad had worked in the oil field right when it hit big. He worked hard, that money was earned. The day he was laid off, it all was gone shortly afterwards. We lost our trailer house; we literally just left one day. I don't remember even really having time to pack. Now that I think about this, I realized this day has haunted me my entire life. I let money right then and there control me.
We lived in a two bedroom house on Fox Street. Our land lady made us get rid of our dog, Blue. The house was big, but it was old. If it were ever inspected, they surely would have said it couldn't be lived in. But the rent was cheap, $150 a month. My dad found a job, in Louisiana. So he would be living there and coming home when he could. Our lives were turned upside down in an instant. We were young, I know my siblings don't really remember this but I do. The house had this giant room that we ended up calling, the middle room. It wasn't livable. The ceiling was falling down and the floor had holes. So we just used it for storage and later in our lives for imagination. The laundry room was in the back. The floor had this huge hole. You had to step over it to get the laundry out. The house was on stilts. So after years living there when you stood in the living room and looked down towards the kitchen, you saw the floor slowly sinking.
From the time I was in fourth grade I shared a room with my brother and sister until I was 18. Since the house was built in the late 1800's the rooms were huge, back then, that was normal. Many shared a room. Our house didn't have central air and heat. It was painted with lead paint and it was everywhere. We had one bathroom and we often had leaks throughout the house. But this was home, I didn't realize that roaches were not the norm in a house until much later in life. It wasn't that we were not clean, we were. The house was just so old. I laugh now when I think about it, when people complain about things, about one restroom, or it being hot even with central air. One winter our water heater went out. So every morning, we would get up and fill up a huge pot of water to take a bath in. We didn't think twice about things like this. Because atlesat we had water. My mom always kept things in perspective for us. What we had was far better than what she had as a girl. My mother is an angel. She truly made us know no different. My mom always made it home, though. We had food, not much but we never wanted. We always had Christmas, my parents made sure of that. They just always found a way to make it count when they had to.
With my mom working and being a single parent now, it never dawned on me the struggle my parents actually went thru. But it was tough. I got anxiety every single time I went to the store. So many times we went and the check was declined and we left the bag of groceries that we really needed at the store. We didn't qualify for help though. My dad made to much money. But it didn't seem like it because he lived another life in Louisiana while we lived one without him. This time was tough for our family, but it was the majority of my entire life with my family as a child. It wasn't until I was 18 that my dad finally moved back in with us.
When I got to high school and started to need things, it never dawned on me to actually get a job. I should have. My brother did. I think now, that god had blessed me with just not caring about clothes and things. I spent my time being active in school and just never focused on the things that kids then and now wanted. My clothes were from a store called wieners and often didn't fit me. I didn't wear makeup; I just never cared about those things. What I did care about were big things, my prom dress, one day having a car, going on school trips. I never asked for anything from my parents, but when I did it was for those things. When I asked for those things, it was a punishment. I knew what would follow. Guilt, regret for asking and a lecture. A long, loud lecture. I learned very quickly that money causes problems. Big ones.
When I went off to college, no money was there for me. To even think about getting an education was completely left up to me. My mom and dad found some people in Temple to help me figure out what to do. It was a disaster. They helped me but all I qualified was a very small Stafford loan. My family had finally bought a new house, my senior year of high school. My dad moved back to the states and we had a new beginning. The only problem was he took out a loan on his 401k. It inflated the family income and I qualified for basically no help at all. I got enough my freshman year to cover my tuition and dorm. My parents paid for my car and insurance but everything else I had to figure out. This by now you all can realize I had NO CLUE about money. NONE. Not a thing about a budget, working, controlling expenses, nothing. I was clueless. I had gotten a summer job. I saved all that money, but before I even left for college it was all gone. I bought stuff I needed for college from it and before I knew it I was gone.
My freshman year I still managed to survive. Just barely. My roommate really saved me. I will never forget, all my college roommates got cards and care packages from their parents, I never even got a phone call. My dad worked at the campus I went to school at and every now and then he would call me to meet him for lunch. Those lunches he would give me $20, that $20 I saved. It was my emergency money. Back then $20 could go a long way. I could get gas all month. I was on the dorm council and we sold kits to the parents  for each student. The parent would buy them and we would deliver them to the student in the dorm with the note from the parent, nothing big. It was the first time to take finals in college, so the kit had fun survival things in them. Every one of my roommates in my suite got one, except me. My best friend felt so bad for me, she got me one. Now, this sounds so little, so trivial. But I really was alone. I didn't have the parents that called me, told me they were proud of my grades or even just called to check in on me. But I had always been self-motivated. I tried really hard to prove to myself I could do it. But eventually, you start to ask yourself why?


My grades started suffering but I managed to finish out that freshman year on academic probation. When I graduated from high school I will never forget what my dad told me. He said, "He didn't even think I would graduate let alone go to college." That was our relationship at the time. It's nothing like that now but back then the number one reason why I wanted to leave my house was because of him. I wanted to prove him wrong. I went home that first summer after college. I worked again for the summer, and then went back to school but that is when the bottom really fell out for me. I had no structure, no guidance, and never went to class. Sure enough, I missed the GPA I needed to stay in school by .5. I will never forget when all these things were happening my sophomore year in college. My parents knew nothing of what was going on in my life. They just never asked. They did assume. They assumed I partied all the time, they assumed a lot of bad things of course. But honestly, I failed that year because I just no longer believed I could do it. I had a new boyfriend who supported that idea unfortunately. So I started believing what they thought of me. One day my mom came in to make that payment at the beginning of school for me. She was so mad. So was my dad. They were mad at me for asking them for money for college. They made a scene in the admin office where you pay. I will never ever forget that day. It changed me. My roommate felt so bad for me. But that semester was never going to be a success. And it wasn't. I was kicked out.
A couple of wonderful friends took me in because I knew I couldn't go home and I had to think fast about what I was going to do. I had to find a job. That is when I joined the retail world at the age of 19. I never looked back. I learned that the only person I could rely on was myself. But it took me a long time to really believe in myself. TO know I could do it. Like I said I learned very quickly not to ask for help. My best friend was really the only person that helped me. Once she and I moved back into together, she was the one who told me I was smart, who told me that I could do this. She feed me when I had to pawn everything I owned to pay the rent. She was there when my parents picked up my car and dropped off another because they were so upset with me and the phone bill I had run up that summer I was home. When I was taught a lesson it was big. My brother could make huge mistakes but mine were always bigger. So they dropped off the car and I didn't see them for a while. I was grateful that the one thing they did give me was that car, it was my survival kit. I wouldn't have been able to work had I not had that car. I worked hard and eventually went back to school. For those of you that know me, the rest of that is history. God blessed me with those circumstances. They make me who I am, but the demons created by that anxiety, fear, doubt and failure continue to haunt me.
I decided to share this story today because my husband sent me an email today. It was about money. It made me very upset, like it always does. But I sat down today and started thinking, why is this so hard for me? Why can't I survive off the $200 every two weeks he puts into my account. Why do I need to eat out and get breakfast every morning? Why can't I just keep that money in my account for the essentials like gas, prescriptions and necessities? Then I realized…
When I see that $200 I feel like that 15 year old girl who asked for the money for her prom dress and got yelled out. I feel like that 19 year old kid who got humiliated by her mom for money for college. I just get so angry that all the work that I do leads to that amount for me. I see it and literally think, it's MY money. Mine and I can spend it however I want. So why can't I get breakfast every morning? But it ends up leaving no room for the important stuff. I know this, but I just dont stop doing it. Like I said today I realized I need to address this feeling. I don't think i really ever have.
I am sure I am not alone in this fight. Right now times are tough for everyone. Why do I feel like this? Why is it so hard? Lately I feel like I have had to make a lot of changes. Again, we moved back here to be closer to our friends. We had gotten to a place where I didn't have to have a budget. My husband is really smart. He got us 100% out of debt in two years. IT has been our saving grace since we have moved back. He was able to go back to school and watch the boys and I worked. I have worked really hard these last two years. I am very grateful for everything that has currently happened in my life. When my husband and I talk about money I never get mad at him, I get mad at myself. I get really upset with myself. The first thing I did when I read his email was get my cards and throw them in the trash. Now, my spending isn't out of control. But right now there is no room for extra. So I have to start addressing this. I think so many people just don't do this. When our family gets back on our feet there are so many things we want to get, and $7 happy meal just isn't one of them. So I know there is no way but up for us. But I want you all to know that this blog is about honesty. So I am going to be honest with myself. Maybe this will help you all to address this if you all struggle like I do with this.

1. Don't be lazy. Get up and eat breakfast at home.
2. Take your lunch to work every day. Suzie Orman recently stated the death of savings accounts is due to coffee. YUP. Coffee. Add up those coffees for entire month, and she says most americans spend over $200 a month on them. Do the math $200 x 12…….
3. Plan ahead. When you do, you won't' forget things.
4. Make a budget for yourself.
5. Don't make excuses.
6. ALLOW yourself to treat yourself. It's ok to get breakfast every now and then.
7. Change your circumstance.
8. When you do change your circumstance, print out this blog and burn it!
9. LET IT GO.
10. You are always able to conquer your fears, even your fears of money if you CHOOSE to believe that it can be different.

There you go readers. Good luck.