50 Shades of Bummer.

                                               Fifty Shades of Bummer.

“You see, Ana men think that anything that comes out of a woman's mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea that we'd like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget. Men prefer action.”

― E.L. James

tags: fifty-shades-of-grey

Who would have thought that one steamy book would lead to the discontemptment of so many women? I thought this book was about and for pleasure. But as the summer comes to an end I can’t help going through all the conversation I have had about these books this summer.

This book has led to a lot of great conversation.   Believe it or not, it isn’t' about whips and chains.  It’s about the feeling you get when you are "wanted", "desired", unsatisfied and left with that constant need for more.

As all lonely housewives sit and read Fifty Shades of Grey this summer, the effects are endless.  It has led to a baby boom, unhappy wives, and unrealistic expectations of sex all throughout the world.  It has raised questions in every person’s mind of what sex should be like.  It has become the gateway drug for unhealthy sex lives and has led many women "wanting" more from their marriages, lives and husbands.

"The books have really opened up sexual dialogue for the people that may not have ever thought about exploring outside of their comfort zones," says
Gaia Morrissette, a sexual healer, sex coach and sex educator.

Gone are the days of pioneer women.  But why?  I am sure I have all modern women up in arms right now.  But I am raising the question?  This whole book is about him wanting her to be a submissive at first.  She was demur but throughout their journey together she finds herself, her sexuality and her voice, but not until she feels the effects of being submissive. Then she realizes what she wants... she wants to "play" but she wants hearts and flowers as well.

 Isn't that all women?  Cat and mouse?  The chase?  Etc.  All women must play the game to catch the prey.  When I was younger, I learned later in life that it would be easy to get what I wanted.  Most men just wanted the chase.  But once that caught the mouse, well that was a different story.

The gateway of questions. Every woman read this book and started asking herself.....

Why can't I have that first kiss again?

How does it feel to be wanted that badly?

What does it feel like again to feel that pull to your other half?

And then... the cloud of reality appears with screaming babies, tired husbands and headaches.

There should be books about the reality, but then again that wouldn't be such a great book would it?

So many wives are out there wondering these questions? My sister and I spoke about this recently. She is a marriage and family therapist. We spoke a lot about the fact that she believes that this book has lead women to not look at their relationships realistically. The fact is that marriage takes work, it takes communication and like a garden... you have to pluck out those weeds. When you don't do that it gets overcome with them. But so many marriages end because you ignore all of that and hope it will get worked out.

 

So naturally, in biblical times there was a definite distinction between man and wife.  The wife took care of the house while he took care of the rest.  In this book, Mr. Grey wants to take care of her in all aspects.  How sexy is that?  He wants to take care of her and ensure all her needs are met.  So again, there is a role played by both. 

Do does he want to control her or take care of her? 

 

In modern day, the question comes into play with marriage.  I don't believe it fair to expect any man to be Mr. Grey.  After all, he is not a real person.  He is something that a writer made up. She has a great imagination and I’m sure her motivation comes from many aspects of her life.  As a writer myself, that is the beauty of writing.  It’s not real.  You can make your wildest dreams feel real. 

 

 

“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.”
― E.L. James

 

Now, I am not a feminist.  I am a control freak.  I want to steer the ship, that’s why when I dance with my husband I step on his toes.  These books consumed me for a while.  But, then I realized that I could use this to my advantage. 

I wrote down some key things about these books that got me thinking.

-If you want it, say it.

-Don’t be afraid of the unknown.
-Don’t get in a rut, make it fun.
-Communicate.
-Trust.

I have had numerous conversations with my friends about these books. Instead of the summer being fifty shades of wonderful, most have been bummed out instead.

I thought these stats would be beneficial for this blog...

Although we don't recommend comparing your sex life to what sex statistics say others consider to be normal, it can be interesting to see how often other couples have intercourse.

Woman's Day -- Sex By the Numbers (2011):

In December 2011, Sarah Jio compiled interesting statistics about sex and experts' opinions about the stats. Here are a few of her findings.

• 84% of women have sex to get their guy to do more around the house.
• 12% of married people sleep alone.
• The average person has sex 103 times per year.
• 48% of women have faked an orgasm.

Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey -- Sexual Satisfaction (2011) Highlights:

In 2011, the Durex survey asked about the frequency of sex versus people's satisfaction levels. When looking at both scores, Japan was among the lowest, but the U.S. and U.K. were lower than many other countries. There is also a "range of activities chart" to view.

• "Satisfaction with what we do 'in the bedroom' is mediocre ... we're not as happy as we could be or want to be."
• "Almost 2/3 of us don't feel we have sex often enough."
• "Half believe our sex lives lack excitement & variety."

Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey -- Sexual Satisfaction (2010) Highlights:

• 44% "are fully satisfied with their sex lives."
• 48% "usually orgasm. Globally, twice as many men (64%) as women regularly have orgasms."
• "Those over 65 are still having sex more than once a week."
• "Mutual respect plays a vital role in a satisfying sex life. Eighty two per cent of us who are sexually satisfied say they feel respected by our partner during sex. Thirty nine per cent are looking for more love and romance, 36% would like more quality time alone with their partner, 31% would like more fun and better communication and intimacy with their partner and 29% a higher sex drive. Thirty seven per cent want to feel less stressed out and tired."

Marriage and Divorce

(Data are for the U.S.)

• Number of marriages: 2,077,000
• Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
• Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)

So my conclusions on the 50 Shades of Bummer.....

 With the constant increase in distractions, we get less and less focused on what drives a marriage.  Communication.  When I was getting ready to get married, my fiancé and I went to a marriage encounter retreat.  It was all about communication.  But with all of life’s diversions, sometimes one or both spouses forget what to talk about.  We forget that we have to be open and brutally honest with our spouse.  We can't sugar coat it.  So in other words, if you want hearts and flowers he isn't going to know that UNLESS you tell him.

So I will leave you with a quote...  Take what you want from it but bottom line, a marriage dies just like the grass does when it is not watered.  No one else to blame.  But I thank Mr. and Mrs. Grey for helping shed some light on the matter.

"The grass is greener….when it’s watered.

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=R4em3LKQCAQ